Smart Stepfamilies

The Wicked Stepmom

2010-06-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Ron L. Deal (Amarillo, Texas). Kyron Horman is missing. The 7 year-old boy from Oregon has been missing for over two weeks and authorities are looking everywhere to find him. It must have been the stepmother, right?

Apparently authorities are now taking a closer look at Terri Horman, Kyron’s stepmom. Of course, I have no idea whether in this case the stepmother is guilty, but what is troubling is that society finds it easy to believe that a stepmother is the culprit. One post to an online news report said, “The stepmom was my first thought.” Another said, “Typical story. Divorced father gets custody of his child, hooks up with another woman. Life is great at first…Then things start to come apart.”

When a biological mother is accused of harming their own child, doubt is our first reaction (“How can that be? A mom would never do that!”). But stepparents rarely get that benefit of the doubt. Did you know that the original version of Cinderella (and other popular fairy tales) portrayed the mom as the wicked parent who abused her own daughter? Later, the Brothers Grimm changed the story to a wicked stepmother so it was more “acceptable” and, therefore, more marketable, to society. And still today, we are quick to judge.

It’s my experience that stepmothers (and stepdads) are not wicked or evil or manipulative. Except in a few highly publicized cases, they are distinctly sacrificial and deserve a pat on the back from society. We just celebrated Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Today, say thanks to someone’s stepparent.

Sandra Bullock and Stepfamilies

2010-06-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

Ron Deal (Amarillo, Texas). Everyone wants a successful marriage; actress Sandra Bullock is no exception to that. “I’ve always been very skeptical about marriage because I only wanted to do it once,” she said a few years ago before marrying her now separated husband Jesse. “I want to do it the right way.” But then she got blindsided. This past month we learned that Sandra and Jesse are divorcing following his alleged serial affairs.

What many don’t know is that Sandra’s marriage to Jesse James (yes, that’s his real name) is her first, but it is Jesse’s third. Even though this is a first marriage for her, it is a remarriage for them. Remarried couples have a tremendously high divorce rate—at least 60% when it just involves a couple, but more like two-thirds when stepchildren are present, as in Sandra’s case. I’m confident that the general demands of marriage blindside all of us, but remarried couples have many more blind spots: issues, dynamics, and stressors that erode their relationships. Not all marriages are the same and not all prescriptions for health are the same either.

If you know someone in a remarriage, point them toward resources that will help them beat the odds. If you are in a remarriage, read the monthly Smart Steps article in HomeLife magazine and visit us online today: www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com.

Quitting Normal

2009-05-26T23:50:00.001-07:00

Normality is overrated. In fact, most people think or hope for something idealized, perfect, or a mythical kind of life and simply call this impossible standard, "normal." Well, the quicker we can jettison this notion of normal and move on to reality, the better off we're going to be in our stepfamilies.

Oh, but it's so hard to let go of normal. Normal is addicting. Quitting normal is like quitting smoking. Even if you do get convinved it might actually be harmful to you, you still want to sneak out back puff on a little normal, all the while promising yourself you'll cut back...maybe quit someday. And you put off the necessary steps to commit to quitting.

Just like cigarettes, an additciton to normal can get pretty expensive. A constant hope for normal is necessarily a firm commitment to persistent disappointment and continual disillusionment. There is only so much disappointment a heart can take before it gives out. But I tell you, it doesn't have to be that way. There is an alternative to normal that you might just find, after a while, is something of a wonder.

OK, let's swith metaphors. People in stepfamilies are pioneers. By definition there is nothing normal about pioneering and charting new territory. It is always a creative effort. It is always about facing new situations and figuring out what to do about them. It is about eliminating the word failure and replacing it with learning opportunity. Pioneers do not fail. They learn.

If pioneers were to rely on what was normal, what could be assumed in the city, what they relied on when they had abundant resrouces at their fingertips, they would find their disappointment insurmountable. But pioneers do not carry with them this addiction to normal; rather, they carry with them a desire to learn from challenge, a belief that pain is a teacher, an expectation that the next thing that happens is probably not what they expected. Pioneers assume that life is about to teach them something and they have decided to be teachable.

So far we have tried to quit normal like a pioneer quits smoking. That is probably a good enough mixed metaphor that we do not need to add another to futher complicate the message. The point is this: One of the most challenging problems people in stepfamilies face is their assumptions, expectations, and I suggest addition to normal. The reason normal is not achievable is not because people in stepfamilies are not capable. Rather it is because there is no normal. You cannot arrive a place that does not exist. Healthy stepfamilies? Yes. Creative arrangements in stepfamilies? Sure. This-is-who-we-have-become-and-I-never-in-a-million-years-would-have-dreamt-this stepfamilies? Yep, that too.

Normal stepfamilies? Nope, not a chance. And that's a good thing.

Developing Stepfamily Loyalty

2008-10-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

If there is one word that captures many of the dynamics of stepfamilies, it is "loyalty." There are so many differing loyalties which run deep and guide behaivors. Many of these loyalties conflict with each other and end up driving wedsges between family memebrs.

One of the conflicts which is common in stepfamilies is balancig the loyalty for spouse and bio child. If you are the bio parent, your parent relationship with your child preceded the marital relationship. When there is conflcit between your spouse and your child, it is very tempting to side with the bio child [developed loyalty] because it appears that they are treated unfairly by your spouse [developing loyalty]. This is a common situation and provides numerous challenges to the blending or "crockpotting" of families. This kind of conflict is often the source of the de-blending of the family. Situations such as these are notorious for presnting themseves as requiring you to choose one side or [betrayal] the other.

These conflicts are really a question. That question goes something like this: "Are we really a family?" This is not so much a question of wanting to be a family or not. Rather, it is more pragmatic. "Will we really pull this off or is this destined to end?"

When conflicts are understood as this question, it can send a chill up your spine, but it does not need to. Rather, what is needed involves a calm spirit and the firm commitment that you do not have to choose only your child or only your spouse. Rather, you must keep in mind what you are doing in the big picture - form a family. You are loyal to the family.

Here are some steps to preserve all loyalties:
1. Require couple time, bio time, step time, and whole family time to be define of the flow of life.

2. When #1 defines the flow of family life, then standing up to your most developed loyalties for the benefit of the family feels less like betryal because of the history and expected future of being together.

3. Use language which acknowledges each subgroup in the family in such a way that it is understood and expected that these subgroups are not only important to family life, but in fact ARE family life.

4. Trust the process. The question of "are we really a family?" will be asked hundreds of times over the year, perhaps thousands of times. Do not get sick of the question. Rather, be glad it is asked because it is an opportunity to show that, yes, we are indeed a family.

Slight Trajectory Adjustment

2008-10-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

When I think of the word, "trajectory," I think of an object in motion headed toward something else. I think not only of the present location of the object, but also of the direction, the speed, and the potential impact of the object. Maybe it is like canoeing down a river.

Stepfamilies have trajectories. Certainly the question, "Where are we as a stepfamily?" is a really important question, but so it, "Where are we going?" That is the trajectory question.

For some stepfamilies, just asking the question is frightening. "Where are we going?" It can feel like canoeing through raging rapids and being afraid to ask about upcoming waterfalls.

The problem with canoeing down a river is that you can't just turn around and go back. But in stepfamilies, some people long to do just that. There is no turning around. That is the bad news. The good news is that you do not have to go ver that waterfall. A slight change in trajectory is what is needed. If we could get everyone paddling on the same side of the canoe, we might change our direction slightly, even though we are still going with the flow of the river. If we change our direction slightly, we might get close enough to shore to grab on the a low hanging branch and then we could all pull ourselves to shore and rest.

With only a slight trajectory adjustment, as opposed to fighting the entire river, a family can move to a safer and saner place - and hopefully avoid the waterfall.

Deciding what to do about the waterfall is much more roductive sitting around a campfire than in a canoe. Certainly you can't just wish the waterfall away, but you do not have to be a slave to it either. Your slight trajectory adjustment can get your family to the side for a breather, and then time to make decisions.

As you canoe through stepfamily life, consider making a slight trajectory change which can lead you to a safe and sane place for decision making. Then figure out what to do about that waterfall. Scout it out. Look for hidden portages. Maybe there is a trail. Maybe this trip is now a hiking trip and not a canoeing trip. There are many ways o deal with what is coming.

Smart Stepfamilies on Facebook

2008-09-15T04:53:00.000-07:00

Well it is about time. Smart Stepfamilies enters the Web 2.0 world and is now on facebook. Click here to go to the Smart Stepfamilies Facebook group.

Lonely Times

2008-09-15T04:04:00.000-07:00

Loneliness has nothing to do with the number of people surrounding you. A person surrounded by people could be lonely while a person in a solitary place could be most content and connected.

There are times with some people when being in their own step family is a lonely place. No, it should not be this way. The purpose of forming a new family was quite the opposite of being lonely. It might have been an attempt to solve the loneliness that was already there. Lonely times are never the goal, but sometimes they are the reality

St. John of the Cross might call these lonely times the dark night of the soul. He interpreted these times as a journey toward God. Mother Teresa, the iconic hero of the poor in India, apparently lived nearly her whole adult life in the dark night of the soul, and yet her entire life is also one whose influence made a lasting difference.

The point is this: when these lonely times come, and they probably will, it does not mean that you are worthless or meaningless. Rather, it just might be a call from God to contemplate, to pray, to seek your company with the Divine. Loneliness, after all, might be God calling out your name for a conversation.

How Not To Win In A Stepfamily

2008-09-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

How do you win in a stepfamily?
Some people might think that there is no winning in a stepfamily. I am not sure I can tell you how to win, but I can share a few ways of how not to win.

1. Do not win by making someone else in your family lose.
2. Do not win by making personal satisfaction or comfort your measure of success.
3. Do not win by keeping tabs on how everyone else is being unfair.
4. Do not win by giving up on the family.
5. Do win by impsing the "right way" to be a stepfamily.

The Waiting Game

2008-07-26T07:39:00.000-07:00

If you are in a stepfamily or are in the planning stages of forming a stepfamily, then you are going to do some waiting. Oh yes, there is much waiting that must be done in stepfamilies. If you learn how to wait well, then you will increase your odds of successful stepfamily formation.

You will wait for your stepchildren to appreciate you.

You will for your children to appreciate their new stepparent.

You will wait for issues with your new spouse's former spouse to be worked out.

You will wait for that "normal" feeling.

You will wait for consistent child support.

You will wait for swaps for parenting time.

You will wait for peace.

You will wait for logistics to get worked out.

You will wait for logistics to get (re)worked out.

With all of this waiting it might be hard to imagine just when things are going to get good. Well, there is no magic answer as goodness is defined differently for everyone and timing also varies between people. But here is a little advice while waiting.

1. Ask yourself what you are supposed to be learning while waiting for whatever it is you are waiting for.

2. Assess the impact of how you do waiting on the members of your stepfamily.

3. List out who you are blaming for your having to wait and then figure out a better way to understand their position.

4. Find meaning in the waiting. The world is ripe with meaning in all things at all times. Don't let the meaning of waiting get lost in the frustration of waiting.

5. Activate your creativity while waiting. That means you should make the most of it. Make it beneficial that you had to wait.

Good luck in waiting.

New Stepfather blog

2008-02-07T15:01:00.001-08:00

This could be a promising new blog. It has just launched and will chronicle the life of a new stepfather.

Go check out Stepdaddy blog.

How do you do time?

2008-01-20T11:32:00.000-08:00

How you do time may have a connection to how you do stepfamily life.

Here is what I mean: Some people have beliefs about time such that enormous amounts of things can be accomplished in small amounts of time. If you can write it in your daytimer or PDA, then it can be done.

Write a novel between 8 and 10 PM fits in the slot, but there is no chance that such a thing could happen.

Other people rarely know what time it is. The dont' wear a watch, the do not carry a cell phone or any time-keeping device. They approximate time and depend on others to do their time keeping. Some of these people have really good internal clocks while others are always way late or way early. Time never really seems to apply to them.

Certainly there are extremes to the various ways people do time with lots of people landing somewhere in between the extremes. But whatever the case, you have a time style.

Knowing what your time style is importnat because it probably has some parallels with how you do stepfamily life. It is important to know how you do time. But it is also important to know how each family member does time.

Knowing that your way is not the right way, but that it is your way is importnat because you want other members of your family to respect your time style. Respect theirs as you would want them to respect your.

Resist

2008-01-12T19:41:00.000-08:00

Stepfathers must resist a certain temptation that is almost certain to come their way - stepfather must not be the HERO.

When the confluence of a struggling bio mother, her angry or hurting or grieving child, a newly formed romantic relationship, and the seemingly inherent male desire to fix problems come together you have yourself the potential for a serious temptation.

It is tempting for the stepfather to come in, take charge, and make everything right. He'll soothe his new wife's pain and sadness and feelings of failure, he'll straighten out the child, and he'll bering order to the lingering choas.

The problem is that he not only won't end up doing that, he is not even capable of doing it. A couple of things are going to happen if stepdad tries to be the hero. First, he will set himself up for disappointment. He will taste failure as it is forcefed to him. The other thing that will happen is that he will create more distance between himself and the stepchild. In his effort to make everything all better his will require more loyalty adn compliance from the family than he is entitled to.

Stepdads, rather than clearing house and taking charge of the family, enter the challenging situation as an opportunity to be a helpful consultant (not the CEO). Resist the temptation to seize control ofn the family. Rather, offer some of your skill and power to the family.

Over time, you will not be tempted to ceize control of challenging situations because you will be invited to share yourself with the family. The less you force it the more likely you will be invtied into it.

Stepfathers should work hard to be an aroma that smells so good that the rest of the family cannot resist. Let your goodness shine adn force nothing.

New Year's Theme

2007-12-26T12:25:00.000-08:00

Guilt is a really bad way to start of any new year. And one of the best ways to get yourself into a guilt situation is to make promises that you know you're never going to . New Year's Resolutions are your ticket to the guilt house. Don't do it.

Instead, take a more process approach to the new year. Rather than making some kind of grand promise of measurable change, think about adding in a theme to your life.

One new year, a good friend of mine who was struggling with various stresses in life decided that she should would add some whimsy into her life. She had no five step plan and didn't bother with measurable outcomes. Instead she made a defiant stand against the oppressive seriousness of life by deciding that every now and again she would add some whimsy to the situation.

I love it. Whimsy could apply to running on a treadmill or decorating the living room or the commute to work. A new pair of fun socks can fill a whole day with whimsy like nothing else.

The point is this: rather than limiting your new year by painting yourself into a promise you can't keep, open your new year to a theme which cna inspire creativity.

Happy New Year.

An Interview With Karon Goodman

2007-12-03T13:38:00.000-08:00

Here is the long awaited post from Karon Goodman. Karon is the author of the newly released "Stepping Stones for Stepmoms: Everyday Strength for a Blended-Family Mom"

We decided to use an interview format for this post so you can get to know Karon and what she's all about. I can assure you that you are going to like what you learn.

1. For our readers who are just getting to know you, can you give us a brief introcuction of who you are and why you care about stepfamilies and more specifically stepmoms?

When I became a stepmom more than eleven years ago, it was like I'd entered a parallel universe. Like all stepmoms, it was a life I never expected to be living, and every functioning brain cell seemed to desert me. I couldn't believe the feelings and fears I was dealing with -- but I had to deal with them, and so do all the other stepmoms out there, so the more we learn, the
better. I hope that the strategies and approaches I've come to rely on can somehow help other stepmoms through those painful and trying times.

I'm sure stepdads have issues of their own, but as a stepmom, I think I felt a lot of pressure that my husband didn't, and I know other stepmoms understand that part of their role. It's a unique challenge, and my first book for stepmoms, "The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life" focuses on what stepmoms can do to make their lives better regardless of what everyone else is doing. That practice has been a guiding light for me and seems to strike a chord with my readers, too.

My husband and I live in Alabama and I'm the mom of one son (22) and stepmom of two (22 and 18). I also write inspirational books for women and love meeting readers and traveling to speak at conference and workshops.

2. In your book you have a chapter entitled, "Trading In Envy." Can you share some about how envy can develop and grow in a stepmom and what she can do
about it?

Stepmothering brings lots of weight and responsibility, and it can be hard to see out from under it all. When a stepmom does peek out, she sees those around her with a much lighter load -- sometimes, including her stepkids' mom -- and that's tough to handle. It's easy to fall into a pattern of envy when she feels she's sacrificing so much and often receiving little or no
appreciation or recognition for any of it. It's easy, and it's self-destructive because envy takes her focus off her and puts in on someone else whose life and behavior she can't control anyway.

To combat the envy, it's essential that we redirect our focus to what's happening in our lives and our homes and put the energy of our thoughts and actions there. No matter what my life is like or how much more burdensome it is than someone else's, it's the one I've "chosen" which means that I can "choose" to work to make it better when I focus on what I have instead of what I don't. Envy creates bitterness and blocks the very things we admire or desire from coming into our own lives. If we want anything to change, it has to start with us, and that means thinking and planning more about our own lives than anyone else's.

3. I wrote a post for this blog called, "When Stepmom Gets Mad" a few months back and it seems to have realy struck a chord with my readers. What can you tell us about anger and being a stepmother? Also, what can the angry stepmom do with her anger?

It's easy for a stepmom to become angry because so much seems out of her control -- and that means we have to deal with actions and decisions we don't like, and sometimes we get mad! Regardless of what we're angry about, we have to realize that we can't control what other people do, we can only control our response. If the situation is such that you can talk to the person about what happened, that's always best to try to keep the same thing from happening over and over. If not, then again, we have to choose how we'll live -- in anger or in peace. We can stew over things others do or we can live our lives making the best choices we can make for ourselves and our families. And it helps to develop a think skin as a stepmom, to understand your anger, see if you contributed to the situation in any way and rectify that if you can, and then move on to the next thing on your list. Stepmoms learn quickly it's all about looking ahead.

4. Your book not only has some good advice and examples on various topics, but it is also full of scriptures, prayers, and questions. I like the diversity of formats. But I have to ask, do you really intend for people to write in your book?

Absolutely! Books are meant to be loved and lived in, laughed and cried over. Books are like living things that ask us questions about ourselves and invite us to answer, in safety and in truth. Hopefully, they touch us and inspire and encourage us to make tomorrow better than today. Maybe that's a lot to ask from a stack of paper, but it's my goal with all my books.

5. Final question: I took a poll on this blog about people's expectations of stepfamily life versus the reality they experienced and most said that stepfamily life was harder than they had expected. So, for someone who is in their first 3 years of stepfamily life and is experienceing it as harder than expected, what encouragement can you give them?

I think some statistics say that most stepfamilies fail before the fourth year. It's no wonder -- the life is challenging and humbling like no other. But it's also full of growing opportunities, because you will encounter situations you never could have dreamed up in your wildest imagination and you'll have to "give up or grow up" through them.

If the struggling stepparent will focus less on those unmet expectations and more on the progress she and her family are making -- even if it's small -- she'll be able to learn from her mistakes and develop better strategies every day to deal with the issues she faces. As one of the points in my new Amazon Short, "7 Decisions You Can Make Today to Improve Your Steplife, learning to "live well with imperfection" is crucial because stepfamily life is messy
unpredictable, but our attitude makes it manageable and even enjoyable, and becoming the stepmoms we want to be makes us strong and able to bring great joy and peace to our families.

Thanks, Karon, for your time and your wisdom. I hope people can see that you are on to something. we hope you'll visit us here on the blog again before too long.

UPDATE Karon Goodman Blog Book Tour Coming Soon

2007-10-30T04:43:00.001-07:00

**************************UPDATE*********************************

Karon Goodman will be here on December 4th. What a treat!!!! I hope you will come by and visit on December 4th as well.

**************************UPDATE*********************************

I am excited to announce that author, speaker, and blogger, Karon Goodman has new book coming out and she will be posting about it RIGHT HERE on this blog.

What a treat for all of us.

Details about when she will be posting here are still in the works. Stay tuned.

Stones in the blender

2007-10-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

It's hard to blend a family.

The word 'blending' gives the image of something that happens in 15 seconds and creates something tasty. Blending families doesn't work that way.

In fact, when families try to blend it can seem like someone threw a load of stones in the blender. Bouncing and rocking around, sounding like everything is going to break, blended family life can get a little unsure every now and again.

Rather than blending and trying to get normal and 'tasty' in 15 seconds, rather than ending up as stones in the blender, how about trying to be stone soup?

Yes, stewing for a while, for years in fact, is the way to 'normalcy' in a stepfamily. One of the keys is to do stepfamily life for a long time. Enough time helps routines to form, traditions to develop - time offers the opportunity to do things many times such that the repetition gives the sense of normalcy.

Be patient. Be kind. Be forgiving.

Stepfamilies: A Road Trip

2007-07-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

Forming a stepfamily is like going on a trip from Dallas, Texas to Duluth, Minnesota in April. It seems like it should be easy. Interstate 35 connects the two cities. I mean really, it's just one road, how hard could it be?

Well, there are places where there is road construction and detours. Traffic slows and sometimes stops for what might appear to be no reason at all. Orange and white barrels and orange and black signs might lead you off the interstate for a while.

In Dallas and Forth Worth and then again in near Minneapolis and St. Paul there is a I-35W and I 35E, both of which are part of the interstate, but veer off in different directions. How can you stay on the interstate when the same raod splits into two directions? It can get very confusing while trying to get from point A to point B.

When leaving from Dallas in April, the weather is probably going to be pretty good. When you near Duluth, you might be in a blizzard. Winter is stubborn in Northern Minnesota and might just decide to hang around until April. You might not have your snow boots, hats, gloves, and jackets with you. You came unprepared, but not knowing about the stubbornnes of Duluth's winters, there was no way to prepare in the first place.

In stepfamiliy life, there is going to construction delays as you try to figure out everyone's roles and how those roles are not merely static, but ever changing. There are going to be times when there is confusing adn you will not know which way to turn as a stepfamily. There are things that will happen for which there is absolutely no way you can prepare and you are left flying by the seat of your pants.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to ease up on the expectation for an arrival time and take each "interruption" as an opportunity to learn, grow, and experience another piece of the stepfamily landscape.

Recording your stepfamily life

2007-06-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

It is good to keep a journal or diary. There are lots of reasons to put words down on paper. Here are a few:

1. Writing is a fabulous way to do some more thinking about things that happen during the day or week. It is impossible to do all the thinking that is needed about every single situation when that situation is happening. Revisiting that situation by writing about it helps not only to remember it, but also to think more about it. Situation A may feel like it is closed, over and done with, but when you write about it you may realize that it is worth another visit. There may be a conversation with someone that needs to happen and you didn't know because you didn't have adequate time to think about it.

2. Writing is a great way to complete half expressed emotions. There are times and you know when they are, that you simply cannot express what you feel. Maybe you could not muster up the courage to express it in the moment or may the expression was too hard for other people to accept. Maybe you were so mad that you wanted to cuss a blue streak, but since you don't do that, you bottled up the anger. Get it out on paper.

3. Creativity sometimes emerges in writing. Many people think that writing is merely a strict recording of an event. Well, it's not. Writing is a creative act in which a person tries to select words which accurately represent an event. That is very differet. It is the difference between a photograph and a mosaic of small tiles. The mosaic is never going to the be an exact representation, but it will approximate the event with the artist's bias, sometimes intentional bias. The same is true of journaling. You get to create. Oh, and then there are magical moments when writing that inspire something new in the relationship. These kinds of special times can sometimes only emerge when writing.

So, go get a $1.99 pad or whatever and start recording your stepfamily life. It will not be time wasted.

I'd like to say they'll love you

2007-06-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

I read an article online today that was advice to stepdads. It went something like this:

Your stepchildren may not like you right away because they may still hurt from their parent's divorce, but stick in there and be patient and then they will really learn to like you.

Well, I'd like to make such promises and make you feel all good about being a stepparent, but placing such promises out there is not only wrong, it is dangerous.

DON'T be patience and stick it out because they will like you some day. Be patient because it is the right thing to do. Be good to your stepchildren because they need someone to be good to them, not so you will get something out of it, like their approval.

Self-interest is not healthy motivation for good parenting or stepparenting. It might sound nice and appeal to what you feel like you want, but when you allow your success as a stepparent to be tethered to the choice of child based on their feelings of the moment, then you have given away your power and influence. That's irresponsible.

Goodness, not self-interest should be your guide. Self-interest rarely results in wisdom and health.

Stepfathers and Father's Day

2007-06-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

Father's Day is just around the corner. So, what's it ging to be? Will stepfather be honored in any way or will he be chopped liver?

One of the challenges for stepchildren honoring their stepfather on Father's Day is that it feels like absolute betrayal. "He's not my father!" Many stepfamily situations place the children in conflict as one bio parent lives with them and one doesn't. This post is for the kind of stepfamily where the children struggle with the conflict of living with a man who is not their father and not living with a man who is theri father.

Typically, the stepfather is not going to require or expect anything on Father's Day from his stepchildren because he knows his place as "not the father." However, he is investing time, money, his heart, his emotions, sharing a house, supplying everyone with resources etc. He is being fatherish in some ways.

How can stepchildren honor their stepfather without betraying their own father?

1. Certainly honor the bio father appropriately.

2. Honor the stepfather as a stepfather, not as the father.

It is a major step in the minds of children to make the distinction that a stepfather is one role and father is another.

3. Mom, do not force the issue. It is not the end of the world if the child does not choose to honor the stepfather on Father's Day. Merely planting the seed, the idea that stepfather can be honored without it being a betrayal of father is a good start.

Holidays like Father's Day are good opportunites to create psychological space for a stepfather to become part of the new normal.

When Stepmom Gets MAD!!!

2007-05-24T05:57:00.000-07:00

Anger is often the product of unmet expectations. I expect X to happen, but insted Y actually happens. That is the formula for anger (or a whole host of ther negative emotions).

Stepmothers are in a life situation when expectations are not often met. Stepfamily life is complex and often times unpredicatable or even illogical. It is a context in which an expectation getting met might feel more like a game of chance than act of intention. In short, stepfamily life offers multiple opportunities for anger to emerge.

So, what do you do when you get angry?

Here are a few tips:

1. There are no bad feelings: Anger is an unpleasant feeling, but it is normal and even necesssary at times. Recognize that a negative feeling does not make you a bad person.

2. Reject the guilt: Most stepmothers choose a goal just a little higher than absolute perfection as their criteria for success. Anything less is failure - including getting angry about soemthing. You must confront your guilt head on. DO NOT punish yourself for getting angry. It only leads to more anger (or anxiety or depression).

3. Make a Decision: People get into trouble with anger not because they feel anger, but because they do anger in destructive ways. Feeling anger is merely the emotional portion of the equation and is contained within the person. Doing anger is a behavior, an interaction between the person and someone or something else. Be intentional about how you do your anger. You might even decide now, when you are not angry, a few stock options of what you can do when you are angry. The cliched thing is to count to ten. It actually works for some people. It's not the only option, though. Some people just say, "I am getting angry." It gives voice to the anger without being destructive. Other's talk it out and still others write it out. Some people let it cool off over time, but that only makes it worse for others.

Your personality wil guide your way of doing anger. But whatever the decision you make, it needs to be constructive or neutral. Never destructive.

What is a stepmother?

2007-05-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

What is a stepmother anyway? On the one hand she is not the bio parent, by definition. She may have bioloigcal children, but they are not how she became a stepmother.

On the other hand, she is not a step. Not really sure how the word step gets in there; it is not all that descriptive.

A stepmother cannot simply act like a mother for a number of reasons. There is probably a mother already filling the position of mother - and typically there is not room for two in that position. When stepmothers try to wedge themselves into the mother position, it places the stepchildren into a loyalty dilemma - a dilemma the stepmom is going to lose no matter how good a person she is or how lousy the bio mother is.

And yet, the stepmother is there and present with the stepchildren and someone has to be responsible. So, how does she pull that one off? How can a stepmother be a responsible parental figure without violating the bio mother's position in the stepchildren's lives?

A stepmother is a woman who enters a family slowly, takes on authority slowly, and never fails to keep a healthy amount of space for the bio mom - emotionally and otherwise. She has as much authority as she has earned with the stepchildren. She is supported by her husband. She admits her mistakes to others and celebrates her victories privately. She waits. Sh resists the temptations of normalcy and accepts the messy reality. She learns to anticipate certain kinds of messes and embraces them with an ironic sense of peace.

If you are a stepmother, you are someone who creates a working path through the unknowable, adjusts the direction of the path on the way, and knows that her goodness is her gift to the world, her family and herself. She knows that she will ahve her reward at the end of the journey, not at the beginning.

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

Stepmom Superstars

2007-05-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

Stepmom superstars are stepmoms who have endured long hours of relational investment with little or return on investment (yet).

They are stepmoms who have maintained their head when their husbands ex tried, once again, to change the visitation at 2:00 PM on Friday.

Stepmom superstars take a moment to view a good potential future even though today the family seems to be headed to Hell in a handbasket.

You are the kind of stepmom who finds time for everyone (including herself).

Few people hope more, wait more, cry more, cheer more, and try harder than a superstar stepmom.

You do not let the absence of appreciation make you quit doing that for which appreciation is due.

Stepmoms, you rock.

The 5 Divorces

2007-04-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

Divorce is never easy. Certainly it might come as a relief if the marriage has totally deteriorated, but even relief does not make it easy. There is always pain and loss and hurt.

Divorce is not a simple thing either. It is complex. With legal standing, emotional challenges, financial decisions, psychological changes, spiritual realities, and social complexities all affected, divorce is one of life's biggest disruptions, challenges, and transitions.

So, for every aspect of life, there is a divorce.

1. Legal Divorce: This is what most people think divorce is. It happens with courts, attorneys, and judges. Or, maybe it happen in mediation. Any way it goes, it is the legal aspect of marriage dissolving.

2. Emotional Divorce: Anyone who has been through a divorce knows that the when the legal part of divorce ends, many more divorces may have to be attended to. Emotional divorce is important. Hanging on, running emotions through the children, making lots of phones calls (just to talk) or constantly finding ways to exact revenge, obsessing mentally, or stalking are ways to avoid making the divorce complete. The relationship must end. If there are kids in the mix, then the relationship must be all business.

3. Psychological Divorce: Life cannot stop when the legal divorce is over. The pain, the loss, the betrayal, the whatever must be attended to and healing must occur. Remaining in a hurt state is not acceptable after a divorce. Yes, being hurt by it is natural, but some people refuse to heal and are determined to prove that their ex-spouse ruined their by living ruined for the rest of their life. What a waste. The psychological divorce must take place.

4. Financial Divorce: Dividing the house, assets, savings, 401(k) and all earthly possessions is part of divorce. Taking care of this stuff should not linger into weeks and months. It will only cause pain.

As far as child support and alimony - do whatever it is the judge told you to do. No more and no less. There really ought to be few exceptions to this rule. It is simply too hard to give more than the the divorce decree says and then feel like you are owed something, OR to give too little until the other forces you back into court.

5. Spiritual Divorce: This might sound like a weird thing, almost sacrilegious. Truth is, if ther eis spiritual union there must be spiritual divorce. This does not mean someone has to change religions or even churches (although someone changes church is probably a good idea). It means that you no longer share spiritual intimacies. Yes, pray for each other's good, but even then be careful that such prayers do not connect you too much. God is big enough to take care of your ex-spouse without too much of your psiritual investment into that person.

Be especially careful of spiritual connection when the ex-spose has remarried. It can be viewed as an intrusion and it could lead to the downfall of the remarriage - not what God is looking for in remarriage.

So, there are your 5 divorces. Would love to hear you feedback.

You can cry

2007-04-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

For many people, remarriage is one of the most healing and redemptive transitions they will ever make in their life. The pain of the past or a sense of failure is healed by a loving spouse. The ache of loss of a relationship or loss of a hoped relationship is soothed by someone who cares. Yes, remarriage cna be so good.

And yet, there are those times, for seemingly no reason, the sadness returns, the ache reappears, the emptiness opens up once more.

"Why?" you ask yourself. All around is the evidence of redemption - spouse, children, home etc. And yet, there is that something from the past that will not let you alone today.

Nothing in your day says, "Cry!" So you don't feel like there is cause for it - no permission to release the tears. You bag it up, pack it in and trudge forward. You are determined not to let the past ever affect the present or future again.

But the past won't leave you alone and feel guilty for feeling sad. "What would my spouse say?"

Your sadness becomes a secret, your guilt a toxin.

Please, give yourself a break and cry it out. It's not that you're looking back toward past and longing for it just because you still have an emotional connection to it. Nor is it betrayal. Let it all out.

You are a human adn we don't just live life in the present. You are everything you've experienced. We don't pass from one stage of life to the next. In stead, we accumulate life stages as we go. That past is part of who you are and if it wants to grieve a little, you better let yourself do it.

Your spirit, your body and your mind are trying to tell you something.

Cry. Heal. Hope

Power and Motive

2007-04-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

If there are two things that individuals bring into relationships that make a huge difference they are power and motive.

Relational power is how much one person can use their force or finesse to effect change.

Relational motive is how selfish/selfless a person is.

A powerful person who is selfish is also dangerous, but a powerful person with good motives is generative and makes good happen. A selfless person without any power might have good intentions, but really can't do anything with those intentions.

Now, take these combinations within a person and figure the interactions between two people. One person's power and motive interacting with the other's power and motive.

The greater the power differential between two people, the more necessary it is for the more powerful person to be selfless. Without intentional effort, the more powerful person will harm the less powerful person.

Relationships between parents and teens are necessarily very different in power. It is incumbent on the more powerful person (the parent) to become more selfless. Don't be tempted to be fair in relationships that differen in power. There is no fair. Striving to be fair is a fool's game.

Increase the motive toward goodness. Goodness (selflessness) is better than fairness - always.

Power should always be (and will always be) the tool for motive. Be good and let your power serve goodness.

Power or Peace?

2007-03-29T05:55:00.000-07:00

When conflict arises in families, it is very easy to get sucked into the vortex of asserting power, assigning who is right and who is wrong, and basically trying to get your way. Now, I am not saying that there is never right and wrong, but I am saying that it is not as frequent as we might like it to be.

When we get into a pattern of making everything a right or wrong issue we overly moralize situations that could be left alone, negotiated, or at least tolerated. When we moralize we often assert power toward the moral position. Why? Because it is right of course.

I want to make two comments about moralizing.

1. Do not use right and wrong unless it is absolutely necesssary. Overuse of assigning right and wrong wears thin pretty quickly and often diminishes personal connection.

2. When moralizing is called for, do it morally. There is acertain paradox when it comes to morality. Sometimes there are immoral processes toward moral outcomes. Asserting power to impose morality can quickly become an immoral process toward a moral outcome. I am not saying don't assert yourself ever, but I am saying that there are times when getting your way, even when it is right, can be wrong in ow you achieve the goal.

Spending your moral energy trying to assert peace in the family might be a better process and ultimately morally superior approach to take in negotiating conflcit in family life.

Stepping into goodness

2007-03-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

Stepfamily life provides many opportunities that first family life typically does not.

Your boundaries, tolerances, and limits will be explored in directions never dreamed of by first families. This may not sound like a good thing because if you are like me, you have little interest in constantly being stretched in difficult directions. I like comfy; I like cozy.

So, for a little perspective, when you are being stretched to your limits on something, take a step back and think of it as an opportunity few people get to be a good person.

I know what this sounds like - some power of positive thinking pep talk. It's not. Let me state that a little more emphatically - IT'S NOT!!!!!

Sometimes perspective is all you've got. Why belittle a hidden strength?

Allow perspctive to give you a chance to step into goodness.

Signs of Spring

2007-03-08T09:57:00.000-08:00

Spring is in the air. It is time for renewal, for hope, for love. Everything comes back to life in Spring.

Here in Minnesota, the snow is melting, the sun feels warm, and there is anticipation of the first flowers of spring coming to smile on up.

Since nature has given us reason to feel refreshed and renewed, why not get some of that refreshing into our stepfamily lives?

Sometimes we get into ruts and unhelpful patterns in or lives and relatiosnhips. Too much time stuck in a lousy pattern is the beginning of death in the relationship. New life needs to be breathed into the relatiosnhip. However, if there is no awareness of the rut or no hope of getting out of it, then there is little motivation to change.

Spring tells us that there is always hope for positive change. Ruts are more like winter than they are death. What looks like death or hoplessness is only the emotional or relational winter. This is good news. One of the greatest things about winter is that it ends with the warmth, generosity and beauty of spring.

At the end of every winter I challenge my children to look for signs of spring. Melting snow, a robin, anything green, buds on trees - anything. once they start looking ofr them, they eventually find signs of spring.

I think the same is true of life. So, go ahead, look for signs of spring. What good thing is budding in your remarriage? Relationship with your stepdaughter? etc. If you look for the signs of spring, you'll find it. There is always reason for hope because witner is not eternal.

Shoveling Snow (A Metaphor For Stepfamilies)

2007-02-25T13:32:00.000-08:00

This month we have been examining things people in stepfamilies can do to make their stepfamily life experience better. We have talked about virtues such as forgiveness and wisdom. These help the process of stepfamily life along.

After getting pounded by 18 inches of snow up here in Minnesota, I have done a little thinking about how getting the snow out of the driveway is like stepfamily life.

There are some strategies to snow management that are similar to dealing with life in a stepfamily.

1. Let it melt. It is true the eventually the snow will melt. In Minnesota, that might mean mid April, which means significant problems until then. The ignore the problem and it will go away strategy might work in some situations (talking about stepfamilies now), but it is a problematic and painful way to go. It is alsot he longest way to get to "normal."

2. Shovel it. This is a better strategy. It's back breaking, but it does mean that you will get to the solution more quickly. Working hard is better than not working at all. And, the job will get done faster, if you survive.

3. Fire Up The Snowblower. Every Minnesotan worth his salt has a snowpblower. Fire that sucker up and blast through the white stuff. This represents working smarter. A good snow blower is like having good family dynamic insights and implementation.

4. Neighbors team up. OK, this is the best way to manage snow. All of your neighbors have the same problem you do - too much snow. Get have a dozen of you together and knock out one driveway at a time and it is not only efficient, it is actually fun. when stepfamilies can work together in small groups or teams, sharing their struggles and giving each other sage advice, it can be fun.

Ah yes, there is something good coming out of this winter blast!

Foolish Musings on Wisdom

2007-02-23T07:25:00.000-08:00

What is wisdom and who can grasp it? Where can one go to purchase this thing called wisdom? Does one ever have enough of it? Once you get some of it, does it remain with you always?

I would say there are few people who would argue against the idea that wisdom is a good thing to pursue. And yet, there is so little space for wisdom in our culture that finding space for it is a daunting task. "Yes, wisdom is a good thing, but who has time for it?"

Here are a few foolish musings on wisdom:

1. There are two sources of wisdom. Personal experience and other people's experience.

Personal experience is often times pretty straight forward. If you do something, you know that it is like to do it. Then you choose whether or not to do it again. Or you choose to modify the way in which you did it in order to alter the outcome.

The experiences of others is not as straight forward nor are they as easily to internalize. Who the "others" are matters. Is it friends, family and co-workers and that's it? What about historical figures? What about Biblical figures? The storehouses of historical and sacred wisdom are so vast, so expansive that we hardly notice them. They are like intricate and highly detailed wall paper that you might notice at a glance, but seldom look at for it deep design or message.

2. There are pre-wisdom steps that are necessary in order to gain wisdom.
A. Acknowledge that there is such a thing as wisdom.
B. Assess its value relative to your life and find yourself lacking.
C. Decide that it is worth pursuing.
D. Pursue it in the course of daily life, not merely as a cognitive exercise outside of daily life.

3. Practice all the wisdom you gain.

4. When you fail to do number three, reflect on those times and assess what it is about you that wars against wisdom. If this becomes an exercise in guilt, then you're not doing it. In failure, wisdom transcends guilt toward a more wholesome and less toxic motivation.

5. Pass along your wisdom, but only when it has become part of who you are. Resist the temptation to immediately tell everyone about the great new thing you learned before it is really who you are. Sharing gained wisdom too quickly, before it is who you are, will result in embarrassment and hypocrisy.

6. When you fail to do number 5, reflect on those times understanding that guilt may be a temptation.

7. Develop relationships with people younger and less experienced than you are and live your wisdom in their presence. You do this for them, but you do this for you, too. If you have gained a sense of wisdom, being in relationship with someone who perhaps thinks you are wise raises the bar for you and challenges you to be persist in your wisdom.

What does all of this have to do with stepfamilies? Hopefully you see that it has quite a bit to do with stepfamilies. If anyone needs to pursue wisdom it is people who find themselves in complex situations wherein the rules are not clear, the playing filed is not level, and the cultural context works against them. Stepfamilies, in large measure, fit this definition.

Pursue wisdom a little and you will find it a little. Pursue it a lot and you will find it a lot. Never stop pursuing it and you will never exhaust its vast storehouses.

Forgiveness

2007-02-16T04:03:00.001-08:00

If you're in a stepfamily (or if you're a human) you've been done wrong. In fact, from your point of view, you might be getting done wrong on a daily basis. It might be your former spouse sticking it to you in court, it might be your current spouse sticking it to you for not being fair to his or her bio children, it might your bio childrin turning the screws on you and testing your "true" loyalty at every turn.

What do you do about the residual pain and frustration caused by these relational injustices?

Well, you can kick and fight and scream and try to force your way. But I can tell you now, it just isn't going to work. No one comes to their sense because you beat the daylights out of them.

You could also let yourself get run over "for the sake of peace." I can also tell you that there is no happy doormat out there. The doormats ot there iwth smiles on their faces are lying.

What you can do is two-fold:

1. Be proactive in preventing future transgressions by direct, assertive, and generous communication. No blame her, but more so statements about how you feell and what you would like. Also, carrying no expectation that you'll get everything you want, but hope that it will change from the place it is now.

2. Forgive. The past may be indicative of the future, but it isn't the future. Holding things against people not only doesn't hurth them, it does hurt you. Your body, believe it or not, automatically detects unforgiveness, labels it stress, and releases more stress hormone, which you do not need more of.

You must relieve yourself of the emotional responsibility of keeping of making that other person responsible for what they did - for the good of everyone including yourself.

Let it go. Open up your fist and let it go. Things won't get worse, but they could get better.

Make Friends With Perspective

2007-02-01T19:16:00.000-08:00

Half of sanity is perspective.

To know that you can't do something all at once can come as a relief - if you have the right perspective.

It's like a landscaper shoveling 5 tons of river rock. If he thinks he's going to move that huge pile of rock in one or two scoops with his shovel, his level of disappointment is going to be huge. He'll get discouraged and quit shoveling. But he can't just quit because the pile of rock is in his driveway and he'll never get his Ford out of hte garage with all that rock in the way.

On the other hand, if he realizes that huge jobs are the accumulation of little jobs, then he is is encouraged by every little thing he does.

Managing stepfamily life can be like this landscaper. The pile of emotional and relationship challenge is what it is, but the perspective you take on it might make all the difference in the world. If you think that you are going to accomplish all that needs to be done in a year or two, get ready for disappointment. On the other hand, if you see life as a process, then every good thing you do is progress toward success.

The thing about perspective is that you have a great deal of influence over it.

The Bad Divorce

2007-01-29T19:13:00.000-08:00

This is not the way to run a divorce.

Administering Discipline

2007-01-27T17:37:00.000-08:00

One big mistake any parent makes is overreacting when it comes to discipline. Parents who are squeezed for time and energy often try hard to solve discipline problems all at once. Add the emotional complexity of being in a stepfamily to the mix, and you've yourself a real challenge.

Here are a few reminders for administering discipline:

1. 99% of everything does not need to be solve in the next 10 minutes.

2. Discipline is a process, not an instance.

3. Relationship is the key to discipline.

4. Discipline is an educational process meant to form good habits.

5. Good discipline forms trust while overdone discipline kills trust.

Balance

2007-01-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

We've talked a lot this month about the challenges of stepfamily life from different perspectives. Everyone has his or her own view of hte life of a stepfamily and vary different experiences as well.

With all of htis variety within one stepfamily, it could be said that there is not one stepfamily, there is one stepfamily for every person and relationship involved. Think about it. You are not merely a man or a woman; you may also be a parent, a stepparent, a spouse, a legal negotiator, breadwinner (whether your kids are with you or not), time management expert, peace-maker (who doesn't make as much peace as you deserve), an "ex" perhaps, and a lot of other things. Each relationship you have requires different demands from you. Balancing these complex and sometimes impossible relationships, however, is essential

How? How does one balance on this tightrope while rotten fruit is being tossed at you?

First of all, balance is the discipline of self-control. That sounds really trite until you compare it to what most people do. Most people would rather control everything but themselves. Control relationships, control work issues, control the weather, control everything that has an influence on their lives - except themselves.

The surest way to stress, pain, and perhpas even insanity is controlling everything else in your life. Seek first to control yourself, your responses to whatever happens in your life. Thi sis not to say avoid trying to influence situations, but rather it is to say do not stake your measure of success or peace on the world doing what you want it to do. You'll fail always.

Self-control is a discipline that challenges the mind, the emotions, and the body. Self-control is difficult, but generous. When you find balance through self-control, peace shows up and greets you with gifts.

Do not waste time waiting for the world to relent; instead, accept yourself in the context you occupy. Start there. Then try to influence the world. Conqueroring yourself is more important then conquering the world.

Superman and Kryptonite: Stepfathers and power

2007-01-15T13:37:00.000-08:00

I know that we were in love when we got married. In fact, I know we still are in love. However, I can't help but feel like I was supposed to come in and bring order to this family. And yet it seems like everything I do is counered, denied, defied, or invisible.

When Bozo ran off with another woman, Sherry was left with three kids, a part time job, and a mortgage the size of Texas. She needed a hero and there I was - Superman.

First of all, I had a job that brings in the bread. Second, she was getting run over by the kids. They're not bad kids, but when dad runs off with a bimbo, they're going to have to take their rage out on someone. Mom was the nearest target. She needed someone with the authority and courage to confront her kids. Well, there I came to the rescue. I'd slam dunked dozens of business deals, stared down compeitors without blinking, and found my way up the ladder of suceess. How hard could it be to whip three kids into shape?

Well, if we're looking for easy, then I'd take corporate America every day if the week. These kids have power. I have no authority in their lives. It doesn't matter how good I am to them or their mother; it doesn't matter that their own father is as worthless as they come. In fact, the only power I have in their lives is the power they give me.

Geez, this seems so backwards. But I guess parenting and stepparenting are not the same.

There is a lot of pressure on stepfathers to pull off miralces. They often offer the family financial stability, a sense of control and authprity, and a male figure in the household. All is hoped to be well once stepdad assumes his position. And yet, sometimes for all of the power the stepdad has, when it comes to stepfathering, he can feel like Superman next to a chunk of kryptonite - powerless.

After an initial valiant effort (which usually falls flat), it can be very tempting to either crank up the heat an become hyper-authoritarian or shrink back and become a non-factor. Either way is tempting yes, but not effective.

Stepfathers should do the following:
1. Assume authority slowly, as it is earned.

2. Maintain balance in engagement. Not too much engagement and not too little.

3. Assume the necessity of flexibility. The kids will want you some days and not others.

4. Honor the fact that the kids and mom had a relationship that predates you.

5. Even if dad is a scumbag, he is still dad. Respect that fact even if you cannot find it within yourself to respect him as a man.

Dodging Tomatoes

2007-01-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

When you take on the huge and noble task of being a stepmother, there are going to be critics. It would be nice if the critics were strangers from half a world away who you never had contact with, but truth it, sometimes they are close by. Sometimes they are the very people you are trying to love and serve and please.

A comment from the post Stepmom in the Middle, plugged scripture worth reading. Nehemiah chapter 4 in a nutshell shows the ridicule Nehemiah and the people of God went through when they are trying to rebuild the wall in Jerusalem. This mockery rests in the context of something bigger than the ridicule, the critique and the taunting. It was God's good plan moving forward. Nehemiah had to keep in mind the plan, not the critiques of the plan.

I think there is a great message for stepmoms in this passage. Go read it here.

Let's Link

2007-01-08T14:47:00.000-08:00

Are you a blogger who reads this blog? Let's link. Upon your request, I will link to you in my sidebar under BLOGROLL and in return, I'd love to be linked to you. Let's build our cybernetwork together.

All you need to do is comment here and ask to be linked and make sure you let me know where to link. Your blog does not have to be a Stepfamily blog - it just needs to be yours.

So what do you say? Deal or no deal?

Stepmom in the middle

2007-01-06T14:17:00.000-08:00

It takes everything I have to keep things together. I feel like I am pulled in ten different directions. But why should that be a surprise? I am the mom.

First of all, what is fair? Before becoming a stepmom all I had to deal with was being fair with my two daughters. Now adding a stepson and stepdaughter into the mix, I have no idea what fair is. If i treat all the kids the same, my kids feel betrayed, if I favor my kids, my stepchildren feel betrayed. I tried the route of being a "family" with "children," you know, without the "step" in there, but no one really cooperated with that too often.

Second, my husband, Gary, needs lots (too much) reassurance that I love him. He'ssuch a great guy and that's why I married him. But there are times when I wish he would just grow up. I feel like his mommy sometimes and that's a real drag on me.

Then there is his ex, the wicked witch of the universe. The fact that I ever have to take her into consideration is beyond me. I know she is the mother of my stepchildren, but she's always changing the schedule, missing appointments and always asking for money - my family's money. It drive me nuts.

This juggling act sometimes brings to the brink of a nervour breakdown. And yet, there are evenings when everyone is in bed and I sipping my last cup of decaf as I browse my favorite magazine and think that I have it pretty good. If I didn't havhe so many things needing my attention, then I would be all alone.

Stepmothers usually feel like they have more than they can handle in more directions than they can move. And yet, like heroes, they press on.

Any stepmoms want to share what an "average" day is in your life?

Stepchild in Transition

2007-01-02T18:55:00.000-08:00

I hate changing. My stomach always squeezes into knots a couple hours before the switch. It doesn't matter if it is switching from mother to father or the other way. It's always bad. I hate it. I hate seeing them together, all pretending not to hate each other. Liars. I hate the McDonald's we make the switch at, I hate that they divorced. I hate that they couldn't pull it together.

Everytime we make the switch I have to smash the hope that wants to show up. Of course I still want them to get back together, but I know they never will. They can't. Dad's married that awful woman, Jenny, and mom's dating Creepy Jim. Yeah, but no one asks me my opinion - not for real anyway. It's not like I get a vote. I never get a vote.

Oh no, I never tell them how I feel. What good would it do? I just smile and pretend to be happy. It's not hard to fake them out. They're so hard up for me to be happy they'll settle for a fake smile and never really ask me how I'm doing. I don't like being fake, but what choice do I have. It's be fake and have a sense of peace or tell it like it is and be a problem. Seriously, would you do anything different?

Certainly the above monologue is not representative of every stepchild when contemplating the parent's divorce and remarriage and the switching of time with one parent to time with the other, but it would represent many feelings of many stepchildren.

Anger, powerlessness, trapped, needing to please - stepchildren have a lot to deal with on a regular basis.

What is important for parents and stepparents to keep in mind is not a heap of guilt. Instead, they should have a persistent sensitivity to their children's and stepchildren's needs. The kids need space be mad, express their feelings, and have lots of ups and downs. Suppressing the kid's feelings will only incite rebellion of make liars of them.

Yes, it's emotionally intensive work, but it's wort it.

Hope For Holiday Haters

2006-12-29T15:39:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas and New Years and you're supposed to be happy about it. And yes, many people express their holiday joy in annual Christmas letters and make a big to do about everything holidays.

But what about holiday haters? What about the people who do much better in a routine? It's not that they are grinches because they are mean people, but rather they operate to their own (and everyone else's) benefit when they are in their daily routine.

New years day is Monday, and then the routine can begin again. No more Christmas consumerism craziness, no more obligation to have to "up" for every next party and event (most of which you don't give a rip about), no more I-don't-know-what-to-buy syndrome. All of that is goone for another year.

Hang on you holiday hater. Just a few more days. You can make it. I have faith in you. Once that routine begins again, you'll be your old self.

A New Beginning

2006-12-26T19:11:00.000-08:00

The great thing about the new year coming is that it gives a benchmark for starting anew. I know that lots of people get all into resolutions this time of year, which is fine. However, it also means a lot of broken resolutions. Try something different this year.

Resolutions usually are impossible promises. Rather than making a promise you are not going to keep, why not commit to a theme to pursue?

Huh?

For example, patience is a theme to pursue. A resolution is that you will be patient with your spouse, stepchildren or children. When it is a theme to pursue, then everytime you are patient you get credit for it. When it is a resolution, however, everytime you don't do it, you sre penalized for it.

Pursuing a theme in many ways is opposite of making a resolution. It is more achievable and more positive. Count your successes, not your failures and you are more likely to get more of hte behavior you are looking for. Penalized the behavior you don't want and you are likely to feel bad about it.

Merry Christmas - No Stress

2006-12-23T18:40:00.000-08:00

So this is Christmas. I sure do hope you have a good one. As a last minute refresher, please read Natalie Nichols Gillespie article on Successful Stepfamilies on holiday stress. You'll be glad you did.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas Cards and the Pursuit of Normality

2006-12-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes stepfamilies form when the children are already grown up. That was my case. My parents divorced when I was in college and then my mother remarried when I was about 30 years. Life became different then. Holidays became different.

One point of tension came when my mother wanted me to address my new stepfather as father in my Christmas card to him. Well, that was never going to happen for one gigantic reason. He is not my father. What didn't help the situation is that one my stepfather's adult children addressed my mother as "mom."

Now, my mother was focused on the pursuit of normality, so I understand her action. But from my perspective, I did not want to accept the reality that with remarriage, my life was once again changing against my will. I am a stubborn one, you see.

But it gave me a little hint into what younger children go through when their newly formed stepfamilies push toward normality either too fast or inappropriately. It brings conflict and tension - especially during holidays.

Adjustment in stepfamilies and the pursuit of normality happens slowly. There is also an appropriate way to go about it. It is so important to understand this.

One thing my mother was doing was relieving her anxiety by (unbeknonwst to her) placing it on me. If I would have just addressed my stepfather as dad, then she would feel better about the whole situation. Well, that anxiety is hers to carry, not mine. Oh, I have my own that I don't need to place on here, so don't get me wrong. The point is that the desire for a feeling of normality can motivate behaviors that increase the tension father then decrease it.

So, when you're all around the tree or around the table, please be sensitive about pushing too quickly toward being a "normal" family, it is might just set you back.

Stepfamilies: Bringing Sexy Back 2.0

2006-12-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

How often do you have conversations with your spouse about sex?

I guess I need to qualify that. "Hey baby, let's jump in the sack," doesn't count. I mean a conversation about sex. Most people never talk about sex. Did you know that? They have sex at varying frequencies, but rarely discuss it in a mutual and non-demanding way.

And yet sex is one of the most important topics a couple can talk about. If the sex is not working for both of you, and the one it is not working for never says anything in conversation, I will bet you my next paycheck (which is nothing to brag about) that person is saying something about it non verbally. That person is avoiding it, being conveniently tired or busy, setting emotional booby-traps, and so on. Or, that person is so demanding that it is not really a conversation about sex and more resembles a desperate used car salesperson trying to make a quota - being shady or making ridiculous bargains.

I really want to encourage you to talk about sex. Yes, it's difficult because the topic is so charged, but that is why I recommended the book, Sheet Music, which several of you have taken me up on. It is a light-hearted, but very practical tool to assist couples in having meaningful conversations about sex. You won't regret it.

Stepfamilies: Bringing Sexy Back

2006-12-15T12:24:00.000-08:00

Stepfamily life, especially when they initially form, can make your sex life complicated. Privacy issues, emotinoal adjustment, family integration, relational negotiations, residual emotional pain from previous relationship and on and on are not sexy. They are difficult. Without careful attention, the family dynamics can come to a screeching halt.

Don't let it happen. Sex is good. Find a way to keep your sexual relationship healthy. It is one of several ways that you remain connected as a married couple.

Yes, when people are very busy, they are also not "in the mood" too much. That is no reason to neglect this very important part of your relationship. Here are a few tips:

1. Sometimes you have got to get into sex before you got into the mood.
2. Get your house in order. A messy house is not sexy.
3. Read a sex book together. Sheet Music is good - see below.
4. Do not demand and do not withold. Pressure and frsutration are not sexy.
5. You're still sexy no matter how old you are, no matter if you drive a minivan, no matter is you've added a few pounds, no matter if you're tired.

So go on, bring sexy back.

Ain't No Way To Fight

2006-12-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

Holiday pressures can bottle up, intensify, and explode. When marital stress accumulates, it can be tempting to take it out on each other. Dont do it.

Conflict resolution skills are not just a nice thing learned at seminars and specialized classes at church, they are to be utilized when things heat up.

In all likelihood, you already know everything you need to do to reduce and resovle conflict. So, put it into play if the marital stress mounts.

By way of reminder, listen first. Your spouse's gripe likely has merit - at least to him or her. No matter what he or she says, you have something to learn from that conversation.

Make your case calmly without blame. Now, don't wimp out by giving in for the sake of peace. Without blame means do not accuse, do not use an accusing tone of voice, do not blame with your nonverbals. There are tons of ways to communicate blame. Get rid of all of them.

If you can't find resolve in one sitting, then revisit the conflict at an agreed upon time.

Peace and Quiet

2006-12-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

One thing the holidays typically do not afford families is a chunk of time for peace and quiet. With time off of work and opportunity to cram in as much family time as possible, alone time often takes a back seat or is thrown out altogether.

This is not good. Time spent alone, away from the hustle and bustle and chatter of the holidays, can be some of the best spent time. Sipping coffe while gazing out at the snow (if there is snow), or stealing away to a local coffee shop, or even snuggling up fo a mid afternoon nap can all be very healthy as you navigate the holidays.

Most importantly is reflection time. Certainly the only moment we have to live in is the moment we are in, but reflecting on the past and dreaming of the future deserve attention as well. Certainly reflecting on the past should be on the positive past for encouragement adn th negative past only for education (not for self-condemnation). Likewaise, dreaming of the future should be spent on the poosibilities of the future, not a gloom and dooom forecast.

Happy holidays! May you find a moment to be whisped away by wonder.

Case Law Development: Missouri Court Addresses Child's Preferences in Custody Modification Litigation

2006-12-06T21:47:00.000-08:00

Click here to learn about a court case involving children's preferences in child custody.

Money, Children & Child Support

2006-12-04T05:28:00.000-08:00

This is just a simple reminder. Money, as it relates to child support or alimony, is completely restricted for children.

There is no good end to involving your children in conversation that are related to child support. Here are my reasons:

1. The child, no matter what they say, will assign a value to himself or herself based on the number of dollars transferred in support.

2. It's none of their business. They did not cause their family structure and therefore have no place in the financial arrangements that the structure requires.

3. If the kids are involved in child support conversations, then they will no doubt utilize this opportunity as leveage against one, but probably both, parents. You do not want this to happen.

4. And finally, if the kids are involved in conversations about child support with you, then you are probably avoiding a conflict you need to have with your former spouse.

Nope, it's not easy to keep the kids out of this kind of conversation, but the truth is that you must. It is a toxic topic for children and teens.

God bless.

If Santa Never Showed Up

2006-11-29T02:51:00.000-08:00

By Ron L. Deal
President, Successful Stepfamilies

Imagine the disappointment of your child if Santa never showed up at his or her house. I mean, if Santa didn't bring them—or anyone else in your home—anything for Christmas how would your child feel? Left out? Dismissed? Insignificant? Unimportant?

Now imagine a stepparent that intentionally withdrawals from a child over an extended period of time. Day after day the stepparent’s rejection is perceived as a running commentary on the child: insignificant, unimportant, and dismissed.

There is a renewed effort by many Christians throughout the world to encourage couples to adopt a child. Recently a Focus on the Family radio broadcast featuring Stephen Curtis Chapman highlighted the efforts of his organization Shaohannah’s Hope to partner with groups like Focus on the Family and FamilyLife to encourage Christian adoption both within the US and abroad. Our own Natalie Nichols Gillespie (managing editor of my monthly E-Newsletter) has herself adopted a child and has just completed a new book on the subject entitled Successful Adoption: A Guide for Christian Families. The point I’m trying to make is this: all over the world people are encouraging others to adopt children. How ironic that many stepparents have an incredible opportunity to influence the life of a child—to “emotionally adopt” them, if you will—but choose not to.

No, I’m not suggesting that all stepparents should formally adopt their stepchildren. I’m only suggesting that they intentionally utilize the opportunities God has given them to influence their stepchildren. For years most of the feedback I got from frustrated biological parents was that their spouses were too rough on their kids. They came in like a bull in a china closet and caused a lot of conflict in the home. Now, I’m getting more and more feedback from biological parents who wish their spouse (the stepparent) would emotionally engage their children instead of choosing a “complete hands-off” approach. What a waste.

This Christmas season, can you imagine Joseph taking a “he’s your kid, not mine” approach with Mary? Instead of becoming a loving influence to Jesus, can you envision Joseph going fishing or spending all his time with his other biological children (who, of course, came later)? No, I believe that God chose Mary not only because of her character, but Joseph’s as well. The Holy Spirit knew that he would be a vital contributor to Jesus’ childhood and even though we have no account of it, I’m confident he was. Mary’s gift to the world was giving birth to the Savior; Joseph’s gift was loving him as his own.

Please don’t be confused, this is not to call into question what I teach about stepparents being the “baby-sitter” initially with their stepchildren. The purpose of that “hands-off” approach to authority and affection is to give stepparents time to do just what I’m suggesting here: become a loving, trustworthy, influential role model in the lives of their stepchildren.

Don’t miss out on your God-given calling—and if you already have, repent and get in the game! There’s so much you can do to bless a child.

---------------------------------
For further reading, check out this online article, also by Ron L. Deal.

All Aboard For Christmas

2006-11-24T17:48:00.000-08:00

You made it through Thanksgiving. I hope that there was much thanks given in your celebration.

And now, Christimas is on the way.

When family gets together for the holidays, there is usually some unstructured time that evolves into playing games, taking naps, and talking. Sometimes, however, when (step)family time is uncomfortable, people find ways to avoid contact and connection. The problem is when you have the ,"How fast can I get out of here?" attitude going, then you are missing out on something.

Truth is, everyone has something interesting about them that you don't know. Little known facts often emerge in conversations, if you take the time to conversate.

That's part of being "All Aboard" for Christmas. These kinds of conversations can be part of the "flavors" of each other's lives "blending." When these kind of conversations are avoided, then it just prolongs the unblending that so often happens in stepfamilies.

The discipline of Thanksgiving

2006-11-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

Many families will get together this week and celebrate a great American holiday - Thanksgiving. Some will have a fine spread like the one pictured here. Turkey, pie, pumkiny things, and so forth. Thanksgiving is meant to be a time to appreciate God's generous blessings in our lives.

For some people, however, Thanksgiving is a tolerated interruption that requires acting nice, being polite, and being proper in front of people they don't like. For others it means either splitting time or swapping holidays - one with mom and ther other with dad. For some kids it can be so stressful that they can't wait to get back to school.

I encourage you to be thinking now, before the actual day of Thanksgiving, to list that for which you are thankful. Think people and possessions. Think freedom and opportunity. You have much to be thankful for no matter how you feel.

Which leads me to my next point. Some people don't feel any sense of gratitude because the stress of life has weighed on them, they have had some bad experiences, or they believe the bad has outweighed the good. Gratitude is not a feeling, it is a discipline. Giving thanks is not some little extra thing people can do if they feel like it. It is something that should be practiced, like drawing, bowling, or dance. It is something that you need to get good at. Few have a natural gift for being good at gratitude.

The practice of thanksgiving is what will make for a good Thanksgiving. Go ahead, give it a try and see if you are good at it. If you are, don't withhold your ability from people. And if you are lousy at it, then try to develop that skill of Thanksgiving.

Myth: The Evil Stepmother

2006-11-16T21:11:00.000-08:00

"There are over 900 stories written about evil or wicked stepmothers. They are particularly common in fairy tales, which suggest that stepmothers are comparable to wild animals and supernatural beings that treat children wickedly. In the past, the stepmother's role was to replace the child's biological mother who had died. Many of these bad examples are seen in such stories as "Cinderella" and "Snow White" where children are portrayed as victims who hate their stepmothers."

Click here for more myths.

Stepfamily Myths Debunked

2006-11-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

If you want to check out some more stepfamily myths, go here.

Myth: Stepfamilies are broken homes

2006-11-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

"Stepfamilies are broken homes." I am sure that you have heard this one on more than one occasion, or at least felt it from people around you. Well, I hope you have a problem with this kind of language. I know that I do.

Let's see, where do I begin?

First, the word "broken" is terribly flawed. It gives the sense of a permanent condition. Once broken always broken. This kind of language is almost elevated to the level of genetic determinsim. Not only is the family broken now, they will forever be broken. That notion is actually the opposite of what stepfamilies really are.

Second, stepfamilies are often mending families, not broken families. Yes, something happened that made a stepfamiliy as stepfamily. Death, divorce, child born out of wedlock, or whatever. And yes, there is almost always loss preceding stepfamily life, but that is a far cry from being permanently broken. Stepfamilies are often the place where healing happens, where people seek to reconcile their past mistakes, seek find a healthy love, and a whole host of other good things. The trajectory of a stepfamily is good, not bad.

Third, this "broken family" myth sets up stepfamilies for discriminination and demeaning pity. Stepfamilies, when viewed as broken, are expected to be be less than adequate, more troubled, and in some cases theologically flawed.

This myth has got to go. Stepfamilies are families - period. They should have all the rights that any other family has and should not be pitied. They should be understood for their unique realities and met where they are at. They should not be expected to act like nuclear families, but should be respected for the unique structure they bring to the table.

There is no need to be ashamed of being a stepfamily. You are not broken. And, if you want to get technical about it, I know of many "normal" families that are a lot more "broken" than many stepfamilies, but don't get me started.

Myth: Divorce ends marriage

2006-10-30T21:02:00.000-08:00

OK, maybe divorce does end marriage, but it does not end the relationship. If you think for one minute that the legal divorce ends the emotional, financial, and co-parenting relationships, you've got another thing coming.

Let's focus on the emotional divorce. An emotional divorce is NOT achieving hate for the ex-spouse nor is it achieving indifference. Rather, it is getting to a point in which the former spouse is just that, a former spouse and not the evil "ex."

An emotional divorce requires forgiving that former spouse for their wrongs (I know they don't deserve it), not requiring them to meet your needs, and finding a way to decenter that person from your life.

Decentering is probably the most challenging thing to do. The former spouse might be centered positive (maybe things could still work out), or the former spouse might be centered negative (that lousy $#%&*@ is the cause of all of my problems). Either way, having your former spouse centered in your life means that the emotional divorce has not been accomplished.

Sometimes decentering your former spouse requires a centering something else. It is tempting to make it another person, but what might be better is centering on healing, faith, and coping. Accomplishing decentering is a major part to the divorce process.

Anyone want to share their successful decentering?

...like a red-headed stepchild

2006-10-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

It is one of the worst cliches ever. I mean really, what if you happened to a stepchild and you actually have red hair? Stepchildren don't choose to be stepchildren and people do not choose red hair - OK, some people choose red hair, but there is nothing wrong with that.

According to the Urban Dictionary, the term has at least four meanings.

1. A person or group treated without the favor of birthright.

2. A child who is obviously not your own, a child who is treated worse than other children in the family

3. One who is beaten often.

4. According to popular belief red headed stepchildren are prone to severe discipline problems, rebelliousness and promiscuity.

Well, aren't these lovely definitions? But, aren't these just good fun? I mean really, does any one really attribute negative stereotypes to stepchildren?

The answer is that they do. Jokes about stepchildren aren't funny and do not serve to promote healthy family life. As if life were not complicated enough for stepshildren, then add social stigma, mockery, and taunting. Furthermore, when adults use the phrase with children, it is even worse. Then there is the generational power play going on. Not a good idea.

My advice, stick to jokes that are funny and not offensive, demeaning, or crude. Making negative attributions to people becuase of family structuture or genetics is cruel.

Stepfamilies - Theories and church practice

2006-10-17T04:31:00.000-07:00

There are tons of theories out there about how families are supposed to be. Some theories focus on how a family is suppoed to develop over time while others try to make clear cut gender role distinctions. Still other theories are on the other end of the spectrum such that any collection of people near each other might be considered a family if it so chooses.

What many of these theories try to do is explain how things are or how they should be. But, what many of these theories actually do is tell a story about the person creating the theory and the time period in which that person lived. For example, 50 years ago, there were far fewer stepfamilies and most of these stepfamilies are the result of the death of a spouse. Most families back then (in America anyway) were nuclear families. The nuclear family was the standard to strive for and the measure normalcy.

Now there are many more stepfamilies and these stepfamilies are mostly formed post-divorce. The nuclear family remains an important and significant chunk of our society, but nearly half of all people do no have the luxury of striving for it. So, what needs to happen is for new theories to develop that take into consideration new family forms and structures. When good theories about how stepfamilies operate are developed, then perhaps better support systems, wider acceptance, and better trajectories can develop.

The place this knind of new theorizing needs to happen is not so much in universities where many theories develop (although it needs to happen there), but more so in the churches and denominations. Most churches do a poor job with stepfamilies. They are either judged as failed, broken, or incompetent or they are ignored altogether. Many people in stepfamilies are previously divroced, which in many churches means that they are penalized in one way or another. No leadership roles, no public roles, fewer service opportunities. Second class status is often the resulting trajectory for divorced people, which means if they are in a stepfamily, the whole family gets penalized.

OK, so I've been a bit down on churches as their underdeveloped theories on stepfamilies causes poor treatment of stepfamilies. However, I know that there are churches who do it well and do it right. There are churches who make room for stepfamilies, offer useful ministries to stepfamilies and by stepfamilies, who do not penalize people for their divorce and so forth.

I'd like to know what churches out there are doing a great job with stepfamilies. What's your experience with a good church?

I would also like to hear negative experiences, but please don't mention the church by name if you share one of those horror stories. Maybe frame it like this: "I attended a church in the Midwest..."

Stepfathers and stepchildren 2

2006-10-06T02:58:00.000-07:00

When a man marries a woman with a child(ren) from a previous marriage or relationship, the man becomes a stepfather. He also enters into a potentially complex set of relationships. In fact, every relationship he has in this stepfamily is going to complex.

With his new wife, it will be complex becuase he does not have equal parental standing with the children. In her life, they pre-existed him, thus giving him an historical disadvantage - they have more history with the mom than he does. She still needs to be the one in charge of the kids, which may feel all wrong and conflict with what many people call being the "man of the house." As a marital partner, he is an equal, but as a parenting partner he is not.

His relationship wth the stepchildren is complex because he a new man in the family. Furthermore, his love and affection and strength of commitment wit the children's mother earn him little or no credit as an authority in the realm of parenting. However, if he treated his new wife (the kid's mother) poorly, it would most certainly count against him so far as the kids are concerned and would probably be his ow undoing.

His authority as a parent is complex because he has little or no history with teh children, the children have a biological father (unless he is deceased) who fills an authority role (either real or imagined ) with the children. In fact, even if the bio father is deceased, in the kid's minds, he may still be the authority.

A stepfather's authority comes in two ways over a long period.

1. Earned. When a stepfather shows himself patient, reliable, good, and willing to develop a relationshp with the stepchildren, these children may grant him some authority in their lives. This may seem all backwards, an adult working to gain authority from the kids. It may feel like the tail is wagging the dog. But if you think about it, it makes good common sense.

If you think about entering stepfathering not as a father figure, but rahter as a new man who is entering ther children's life, getting to know them, learning about them, like a new babysitter or baseball coach, then it makes a little more sense. A trust has to be built and a pattern of relating has to develop. The powerful and sensitive flow of wills must merge. that kind of thing seldom happens quickly.

2. Bestowed. The mother must give authority to the stepfather. Although the temptation here is to do this all at once, it only works if it is done gradually. This does not happen in one sit down conversation with teh kids.

"Kids, darryl is your new stepfather and i give him all parental authority in the house. What he says goes."

You can say these words, but it won't do any good.

This kind of authority comes in little chunks and pieces, here and there. Bestowing authority upon the stepfather from the stepmother takes a very aware and alert set of parents. She really has to know her children's tolerance for the stepfather's inluence and he needs to be aware of the signs the kids give whe they are accepting or rejecting his authority and furthermore, have the courage to back off when he has violated that tolerance. Mom needs to be ready at anytime to bring her authority back into the picture if things are falling apart between stepfather and stepchildren. She cannot abdicate her authority - ever.

Again, this is very challenging to the sense of being "man of the house." It feels like everyone in the house has power to make things happen except the stepfather. "What am I, chopped liver?" might be the feeling of the stepfather when he has to earn authority with children and wait for it to be bestowed upon him from their mother. "Don't I have any authority just for being there?" "Hey, I bailed your mother out of a real financial bind, and this is the thanks I get?" Again, he earns no authority points by being a good husband.

Think big picture and think slow cooking here. Stepfathers can have a good relationship with their stepchildren, but it develops slowly and is always a work in progress. it is like an invesment into a 401(k), put a lot in with nothing to show for it, that is until it is time to cash in - and that time is not right now. It's worth it even if it is doing me no real good today. It's worth it for it's future value.

When Stepfathers Claim Their Stepchildren 1

2006-09-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

Being a stepfather is not an easy task. There are often impossible expectations resting on their shoulders just because they are "the man of the house."

Discipline is often viewed as the stepfathers role. This can be very hard because the stepchild may view obedience to the stepfather as disloyalty to the bio father. Stepfathers may feel like they need to overdo discipline and parenting with a strict posture in order to gain compliance and therefore be a successful stepfather. Typically, this strict posture backfires either by non-compliance or by the stepchild building resentment over time.

Another challenge for stepfathers is knowing how to balance the emotional/relational distance with their stepchildren. How close can I get? How close should I get? How "mine" are my stepchildren?

This leads into the question of what extent stepfathers should "claim" their stepchildren.

I am curious of there are any stepfathers out there dealing with this stuff. Or are there mothers out there seeing their husbands struggling with this challenge of being a stepfather. What's your story?

Divorced Dads

2006-09-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Divorce is not easy on anyone. Everyone suffers. Too often what happens in divorce when children are present is that the relationship between the children and the father is diminished. This happens for many reasons and that is nto what I want to get into here. What I want to do is to encourage the post-divorce relationship between fathers and their children.

Here is a link to an organization called the Divorced Fathers Network . Thier goal is to promote the father-child relationship after divorce. At first glance it looks like they are going to be a good resource for divorced dads.

Below is a book for fathers that might prove helpful.

Fathers are Forever.

Spiritual Life after Divorce

2006-09-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

Let's face it, there are people who hold to the belief that divroced people are not spiritual - or are not even capable of being spiritual. Sadly, some of these people are leaders and decisin makers in churches - maybe even your church.

I known of situations in which people have been banned from certain leadership activities because of their divorced status. In fact, I know of a church or two who will not let a person walk in their building if that person is divorced.

Probably the saddest story I have ever heard related to this was when a minister found out one of the members of his church was divorced and remarried he demanded that the man divorce his second wife and make an attempt to reconcile with his first wife. He divorced his second wife and was unable to reconcile. Can you believe that the anti-divorce minister prescribed divorce as a means of getting right with God? OK, my blood is boiling.

There are better ways to pursue a spiritual life in the wake of a divorce.

Here is an article that gives some encouragement for people who have divorced, even if it was for all the wrong reasons, that they can life an active, full, and relevant spiritual life.

Biggest Challenge

2006-09-11T18:30:00.000-07:00

Some people say that parenting is the biggest challenge stepfamilies are up against. Other would argue that unresovled grief is the biggest challenge. Still others would say hands down it is "the ex."

I am sure that the biggest challenge would be specific to each family.

What I hope you can contribute to this post is a story of success within your greatest challenge. You know what your greatest challenge is in stepfamily life. Tell us about a time when you faced up to your greatest challenge and came through with shining colors.

Cooking Class

2006-09-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

It is assumed that stepfamilies blend when they are formed. In fact, stepfamilies are often referred to as "blended families." But do they blend? If so, how fast? If not, what actually happens when the stepfamily comes together?

My buddy Ron Deal has a little fun with a cooking anaology and stepfamilies. What really makes this funny is that Ron is not what you would call a master chef. He grills meat, but beyond that...well?

Anyway, go check out this article if you want to find out how to "cook" a stepfamily.

The Stepmom

2006-09-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

In the movie, Stepmom, we see Julia Roberts experience so much of the trauma stepmothers go through as they try to enter into the new family, intergate into the new family, as the try to BLEND. She didn't know the routines, was sabotaged on every front by her stepchildren, and felt completely incompetent as the female adult in the home.

Then mom stops by to pick up the kids only to notice the wreck and suddenly the children are cherubs, the mess is all the stepmom's fault, and mom says smugly, "I'll take it from here."

For stepmothers, it seems that all the good they do is diminished while any minor mistake she makes is magnified as if she were an evil harpy. Let's face it, stepmoms are often in a tough position. What's a stepmother to do?

First, stepmothers must be farmers at early spring, not late fall. Think of your family as a constant tilling and planting operation. Harvest will not come for a good long while. Yes, this calls for patience, but patience has never been a bad idea.

Second, stepmothers must affirm their own victories because no one else is going to. Although that might be overstated for some, for others it isn't. A stepmother must be confident that the good she did was actually good, even if she gets no immediate credit for her actions.

Finally, stepmothers must be consistent. When a stepmother is consistently good, she slowly wears away the objections that stepchildren hold against her. She must remove these objections through her actions. Eventually, she will usually succeed. Worst case, she has been good.

Stepmoms, you've got a noble work ahead of you. Hats off to you.

What Jared Really Learned at College

2006-09-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

I found the story below at the Stepping Stones Counseling Center web site.

What Jared Really Learned at College by Sheli Dansky-Danziger

April 26, 2003 was a beautiful, crisp, spring day in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Grandparents, siblings, two parents and one step-parent gathered to celebrate Jared's graduation from the University of Michigan. Over 5000 graduates formed a seemingly endless procession into Michigan Stadium where my former husband and I sat together to witness this exhilarating event.

We had a wonderful family weekend filled with spirited meals, picture taking and reminiscing about Jared's four years of college. As we prepared our caravan for the return to Detroit Metro Airport, Jared called his father and me aside. I didn't know what to expect but logically I thought he might be thanking us for this remarkable educational experience. Instead, Jared thanked us for the way we have dealt with our divorce. Jared's father and I were totally caught off guard. Apparently Jared had friends who were forced to have separate celebrations (meals, hotels, seats at graduation, etc.) whereas we were together throughout the weekend. My former husband and I tearfully hugged Jared and told him how proud we were of his accomplishments; we then headed home.

As a divorced and remarried parent I have often felt concerned and saddened for my children. I hoped that they understood and grew from the changes they have endured in their lives. It's reassuring to know that maybe we have all ultimately done well and that Jared truly learned an important life lesson at college.

Pet Custody Issues?

2006-09-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

Divorced couple in China squabble over dog. Judge orders couple to treat dog as if it was their child. Read article here.

This article got me to thinking about how divorces happen and continue on as it relates to children. Does it show more love to contend for the object of your care and love in court? Or does it show less love? If it were not a pet, but a microwave oven, would be more or less silly? If it were a child and not a pet, would it be more or less silly?

Weighing these kinds of decisions about how far to go, how much to press, how much to invite the court into co-parenting decisions are not merely black and white matters. There are so many shades of gray. How in the world is allowing partial or full custody to the former spouse in the "best interest of the child?" How is not "figting for my child" the best thing?

Sometimes it is tempting to equate "fighting for the children" with love. How else do you show that you truly love? Sometimes it is really the best thing to fight like crazy because you'll be terminated as a parent if you don't. If only it were black and white.

When determining co-parenting issues, measure carefully the impact on the child. In the case of the dog custody issue, the dog will be fine. With children, we can't be so sure.

I'd love to hear how some of you have made good decisions with your former spouse when it concerns the children.

Communicate well and share costs

2006-09-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

When co-parents try to figure out how to pay for their children's needs, it is important to have good communication. Although most things are spelled out pretty well in the court papers, not everything can be thought of ahead of time.

It is also important to be generous. Thinking about what is "fair" is not always the best way to deal with cost sharing. What the children need is a better approach to take.

The better co-parents communicate and share costs, the better it is on the children - in general.

Click here to read a New jersey court brief of a couple who did it poorly.

Shared Parenting Law Debated In North Dakota

2006-08-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

In the state of North Dakota, there is debate over a bill that makes shared parenting the default parenting situation post-divorce. Learn about the North Dakota Shared Parenting Initiative here. Here is a Fox News story on the topic.

What do you think about shared parenting as the default parenting arrangement post divorce?

Divorcemobile?

2006-08-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

Slate.com reports on Ford Motor Company's latest commercial for their Ford Freestyle. Ford appears to be directly marketing to divorced parents.

I would like to hear from divorced parents if this ad is affirming, offensive, non-factor or whatever.

Redemption After Divorce

2006-08-29T07:30:00.000-07:00

There has always been a stigma about divorced people within church walls. There is a certain logic to that stigma as divorce is not God's dream come true for intimate relationships. Many Christians have believed divorce to be the death knell for people - a straight ticket to Hell.

However, there is a certain illogic to the stigma as well. To believe that God damns people for a failed relationship is to avoid the redemptive flow of God's relationship with people. I don't think that there is anyone out there who would say that divorce is something to strive for. Even divorce "advocates" would say that a good marriage is better than a "good divorce."

What believers in God need to do is to be tough on divorce and gentle with divorced people. People experiencing a divorce have been through enough already. What they don't need is an assault from the people who are supposed to be on their side.

God's approach to divorced people is redemption. On some rare occasions, divorced people remarry the people they divorced and the second time around goes pretty well. That is a very special kind of redemption, but not the only kind.

Other divorced people find someone else to marry and it goes well. They have learned a great deal from the past and apply those lessons in the new relationship. They have greater patience and tolerance for what might have ticked them off in their first marriage.

Still others find redemption in the single life. Though these people may long for a relationship, but they find that their time is best utilized in service to others. They invest in their friendships or ministries and realize that they have found their place outside of marriage.

God works through a larger redemptive movement rather than in the holding a failed relationship against a person eternally. Of course God never wanted the divorce and yes, God hates divorce. But God does not hate divorced people. Big difference. God never hoped for a divorce. But when divorce happens, God is interested in what He can do in your life now in the given situation. Holding that sin against you does not promote His mission on this planet. Jesus died for that sin if it was even a sin at all, so we all need to get over it.

Yes, we still need to support struggling marriages and not throw in the towel too sin. Hear me, I am against divorce and you should be too. However, there are times when it is necessary and then there are times when it has happened when it was unnecessary, but too much water under the bridge. Where are we going is more important than where we have been.

God works through divorce if that is what He is given to work with.

A Stepfamily Wedding Poem

2006-08-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

Below is a poem for stepfamilies-to-be. I found it at Wedding Guide UK.

A Father’s Fiancée

by Michael Praetorius

A father’s fiancée is

An intended mother.

More than two are joined

This day in joy.

Though two may blossom

By the winged bay’s fountain,

Other flowers are watered

By that love.

Resilience

2006-08-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

Resilience is the ability for a person or group to bounce back from adversity, setbacks, or failures. It is the quality of a person or organization to interpet positiviely facts that might at first glance appear to be hopelessly negative.

For people in stepfamilies, there are often ample opportunities to interpret negative facts positively. For example, all stepfamilies are born of some kind of loss. Death, divorce, abandonment, or for some other reason, stepfamilies are born of loss. For couples and children to grieve their loss, navigate new relationships, and "blend," it all makes for a challenging situation.

Successful stepfamilies learn to interpret the facts and make opportunities from these facts. For example, one stepfamily would fight every Christmas about how to decorate the Christmas tree. It began to make a dread fall over the family as the holiday season approached each year. Finally, one year they decided to decorate half of the tree according to one family's tradition and the other half according to the other family's tradition. That's resilience. They found a way to accept that the facts are the facts, but also to interpret those facts in a way that fits their new situation.

I would love to hear other stories of stepfamily resilience.

Welcome To Smart Stepfamilies

2006-07-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Smart Stepfamilies blog. You are a welcomed guest. Thanks for stopping by.

The purpose of this blog is to get some conversations going between people in stepfamilies (or people who work with stepfamilies), share information on stepfamily dynamics, and report any news that might involve stepfamilies.

Feel free to comment and voice your opinion or share opportunities at any time on this blog. The only censoring that will happen on this blog will come when people are mean or rude in their coments or spamming. Otherwise, pretty much anything is fair game. There is no one preferred opinion that has to be conformed to on this blog.

You will notice some google ads on the top of the page. I apologize for the inconvenience there. Feel free to ignore them. You will also notice some amazon.com links (Stepfamily Superstore) and products on the sidebar. Feel free to browse those at your convenience. If anything looks good to you, go and get it.

You can expect weekly posts here at the Smart Stepfamily blog. The best way to keep curent with this blog is through a the rss feed using a feedreading service like bloglines. If you are unfamiliar with bloglines, go and check it out. It is pretty easy to learn.

Again, thanks for visiting this blog. Please come back and share in the conversation.