Monday, October 30, 2006

Myth: Divorce ends marriage

OK, maybe divorce does end marriage, but it does not end the relationship. If you think for one minute that the legal divorce ends the emotional, financial, and co-parenting relationships, you've got another thing coming.

Let's focus on the emotional divorce. An emotional divorce is NOT achieving hate for the ex-spouse nor is it achieving indifference. Rather, it is getting to a point in which the former spouse is just that, a former spouse and not the evil "ex."

An emotional divorce requires forgiving that former spouse for their wrongs (I know they don't deserve it), not requiring them to meet your needs, and finding a way to decenter that person from your life.

Decentering is probably the most challenging thing to do. The former spouse might be centered positive (maybe things could still work out), or the former spouse might be centered negative (that lousy $#%&*@ is the cause of all of my problems). Either way, having your former spouse centered in your life means that the emotional divorce has not been accomplished.

Sometimes decentering your former spouse requires a centering something else. It is tempting to make it another person, but what might be better is centering on healing, faith, and coping. Accomplishing decentering is a major part to the divorce process.

Anyone want to share their successful decentering?

1 comment:

momoffour said...

I am in an on-going battle with myself to act "civil" to my ex. I always try to remeber that we have one goal in mind (no matter what happened to our marriage) and that is our son together. We have both remarried (going on six yrs) and those relationships also have many struggles, but the children involved are so worth it. Both me and my ex have come from divorced parents so I know personally how hard it is to know how to show our son a "positive role model" in regards to marriage and remarriage. I am thankful that the church I attend has many small groups with marriage. And last yr a group on remarriage. But we have not had any on blended families. I feel God is calling me on this path to lead a group on this. But in the back of my mind I am fearful on what I have to offer. Then Ithink back to how far I have come from the beginning and how I can show couples on the path to the beginning the mistakes I have made and my success I have had also.Thnak you for this awesome resource for blended families.