Quitting Normal

Normality is overrated. In fact, most people think or hope for something idealized, perfect, or a mythical kind of life and simply call this impossible standard, "normal." Well, the quicker we can jettison this notion of normal and move on to reality, the better off we're going to be in our stepfamilies.

Oh, but it's so hard to let go of normal. Normal is addicting. Quitting normal is like quitting smoking. Even if you do get convinved it might actually be harmful to you, you still want to sneak out back puff on a little normal, all the while promising yourself you'll cut back...maybe quit someday. And you put off the necessary steps to commit to quitting.

Just like cigarettes, an additciton to normal can get pretty expensive. A constant hope for normal is necessarily a firm commitment to persistent disappointment and continual disillusionment. There is only so much disappointment a heart can take before it gives out. But I tell you, it doesn't have to be that way. There is an alternative to normal that you might just find, after a while, is something of a wonder.

OK, let's swith metaphors. People in stepfamilies are pioneers. By definition there is nothing normal about pioneering and charting new territory. It is always a creative effort. It is always about facing new situations and figuring out what to do about them. It is about eliminating the word failure and replacing it with learning opportunity. Pioneers do not fail. They learn.

If pioneers were to rely on what was normal, what could be assumed in the city, what they relied on when they had abundant resrouces at their fingertips, they would find their disappointment insurmountable. But pioneers do not carry with them this addiction to normal; rather, they carry with them a desire to learn from challenge, a belief that pain is a teacher, an expectation that the next thing that happens is probably not what they expected. Pioneers assume that life is about to teach them something and they have decided to be teachable.

So far we have tried to quit normal like a pioneer quits smoking. That is probably a good enough mixed metaphor that we do not need to add another to futher complicate the message. The point is this: One of the most challenging problems people in stepfamilies face is their assumptions, expectations, and I suggest addition to normal. The reason normal is not achievable is not because people in stepfamilies are not capable. Rather it is because there is no normal. You cannot arrive a place that does not exist. Healthy stepfamilies? Yes. Creative arrangements in stepfamilies? Sure. This-is-who-we-have-become-and-I-never-in-a-million-years-would-have-dreamt-this stepfamilies? Yep, that too.

Normal stepfamilies? Nope, not a chance. And that's a good thing.

The Waiting Game

If you are in a stepfamily or are in the planning stages of forming a stepfamily, then you are going to do some waiting. Oh yes, there is much waiting that must be done in stepfamilies. If you learn how to wait well, then you will increase your odds of successful stepfamily formation.

You will wait for your stepchildren to appreciate you.

You will for your children to appreciate their new stepparent.

You will wait for issues with your new spouse's former spouse to be worked out.

You will wait for that "normal" feeling.

You will wait for consistent child support.

You will wait for swaps for parenting time.

You will wait for peace.

You will wait for logistics to get worked out.

You will wait for logistics to get (re)worked out.

With all of this waiting it might be hard to imagine just when things are going to get good. Well, there is no magic answer as goodness is defined differently for everyone and timing also varies between people. But here is a little advice while waiting.

1. Ask yourself what you are supposed to be learning while waiting for whatever it is you are waiting for.

2. Assess the impact of how you do waiting on the members of your stepfamily.

3. List out who you are blaming for your having to wait and then figure out a better way to understand their position.

4. Find meaning in the waiting. The world is ripe with meaning in all things at all times. Don't let the meaning of waiting get lost in the frustration of waiting.

5. Activate your creativity while waiting. That means you should make the most of it. Make it beneficial that you had to wait.

Good luck in waiting.

Stepfamilies: A Road Trip

Forming a stepfamily is like going on a trip from Dallas, Texas to Duluth, Minnesota in April. It seems like it should be easy. Interstate 35 connects the two cities. I mean really, it's just one road, how hard could it be?

Well, there are places where there is road construction and detours. Traffic slows and sometimes stops for what might appear to be no reason at all. Orange and white barrels and orange and black signs might lead you off the interstate for a while.

In Dallas and Forth Worth and then again in near Minneapolis and St. Paul there is a I-35W and I 35E, both of which are part of the interstate, but veer off in different directions. How can you stay on the interstate when the same raod splits into two directions? It can get very confusing while trying to get from point A to point B.

When leaving from Dallas in April, the weather is probably going to be pretty good. When you near Duluth, you might be in a blizzard. Winter is stubborn in Northern Minnesota and might just decide to hang around until April. You might not have your snow boots, hats, gloves, and jackets with you. You came unprepared, but not knowing about the stubbornnes of Duluth's winters, there was no way to prepare in the first place.

In stepfamiliy life, there is going to construction delays as you try to figure out everyone's roles and how those roles are not merely static, but ever changing. There are going to be times when there is confusing adn you will not know which way to turn as a stepfamily. There are things that will happen for which there is absolutely no way you can prepare and you are left flying by the seat of your pants.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to ease up on the expectation for an arrival time and take each "interruption" as an opportunity to learn, grow, and experience another piece of the stepfamily landscape.

Recording your stepfamily life

It is good to keep a journal or diary. There are lots of reasons to put words down on paper. Here are a few:

1. Writing is a fabulous way to do some more thinking about things that happen during the day or week. It is impossible to do all the thinking that is needed about every single situation when that situation is happening. Revisiting that situation by writing about it helps not only to remember it, but also to think more about it. Situation A may feel like it is closed, over and done with, but when you write about it you may realize that it is worth another visit. There may be a conversation with someone that needs to happen and you didn't know because you didn't have adequate time to think about it.

2. Writing is a great way to complete half expressed emotions. There are times and you know when they are, that you simply cannot express what you feel. Maybe you could not muster up the courage to express it in the moment or may the expression was too hard for other people to accept. Maybe you were so mad that you wanted to cuss a blue streak, but since you don't do that, you bottled up the anger. Get it out on paper.

3. Creativity sometimes emerges in writing. Many people think that writing is merely a strict recording of an event. Well, it's not. Writing is a creative act in which a person tries to select words which accurately represent an event. That is very differet. It is the difference between a photograph and a mosaic of small tiles. The mosaic is never going to the be an exact representation, but it will approximate the event with the artist's bias, sometimes intentional bias. The same is true of journaling. You get to create. Oh, and then there are magical moments when writing that inspire something new in the relationship. These kinds of special times can sometimes only emerge when writing.

So, go get a $1.99 pad or whatever and start recording your stepfamily life. It will not be time wasted.

Stepping into goodness

Stepfamily life provides many opportunities that first family life typically does not.

Your boundaries, tolerances, and limits will be explored in directions never dreamed of by first families. This may not sound like a good thing because if you are like me, you have little interest in constantly being stretched in difficult directions. I like comfy; I like cozy.

So, for a little perspective, when you are being stretched to your limits on something, take a step back and think of it as an opportunity few people get to be a good person.

I know what this sounds like - some power of positive thinking pep talk. It's not. Let me state that a little more emphatically - IT'S NOT!!!!!

Sometimes perspective is all you've got. Why belittle a hidden strength?

Allow perspctive to give you a chance to step into goodness.

Stepmom in the middle

It takes everything I have to keep things together. I feel like I am pulled in ten different directions. But why should that be a surprise? I am the mom.

First of all, what is fair? Before becoming a stepmom all I had to deal with was being fair with my two daughters. Now adding a stepson and stepdaughter into the mix, I have no idea what fair is. If i treat all the kids the same, my kids feel betrayed, if I favor my kids, my stepchildren feel betrayed. I tried the route of being a "family" with "children," you know, without the "step" in there, but no one really cooperated with that too often.

Second, my husband, Gary, needs lots (too much) reassurance that I love him. He'ssuch a great guy and that's why I married him. But there are times when I wish he would just grow up. I feel like his mommy sometimes and that's a real drag on me.

Then there is his ex, the wicked witch of the universe. The fact that I ever have to take her into consideration is beyond me. I know she is the mother of my stepchildren, but she's always changing the schedule, missing appointments and always asking for money - my family's money. It drive me nuts.

This juggling act sometimes brings to the brink of a nervour breakdown. And yet, there are evenings when everyone is in bed and I sipping my last cup of decaf as I browse my favorite magazine and think that I have it pretty good. If I didn't havhe so many things needing my attention, then I would be all alone.

Stepmothers usually feel like they have more than they can handle in more directions than they can move. And yet, like heroes, they press on.

Any stepmoms want to share what an "average" day is in your life?

Merry Christmas - No Stress

So this is Christmas. I sure do hope you have a good one. As a last minute refresher, please read Natalie Nichols Gillespie article on Successful Stepfamilies on holiday stress. You'll be glad you did.

Merry Christmas.

Peace and Quiet

One thing the holidays typically do not afford families is a chunk of time for peace and quiet. With time off of work and opportunity to cram in as much family time as possible, alone time often takes a back seat or is thrown out altogether.

This is not good. Time spent alone, away from the hustle and bustle and chatter of the holidays, can be some of the best spent time. Sipping coffe while gazing out at the snow (if there is snow), or stealing away to a local coffee shop, or even snuggling up fo a mid afternoon nap can all be very healthy as you navigate the holidays.

Most importantly is reflection time. Certainly the only moment we have to live in is the moment we are in, but reflecting on the past and dreaming of the future deserve attention as well. Certainly reflecting on the past should be on the positive past for encouragement adn th negative past only for education (not for self-condemnation). Likewaise, dreaming of the future should be spent on the poosibilities of the future, not a gloom and dooom forecast.

Happy holidays! May you find a moment to be whisped away by wonder.