The Wicked Stepmom

Ron L. Deal (Amarillo, Texas). Kyron Horman is missing. The 7 year-old boy from Oregon has been missing for over two weeks and authorities are looking everywhere to find him. It must have been the stepmother, right?

Apparently authorities are now taking a closer look at Terri Horman, Kyron’s stepmom. Of course, I have no idea whether in this case the stepmother is guilty, but what is troubling is that society finds it easy to believe that a stepmother is the culprit. One post to an online news report said, “The stepmom was my first thought.” Another said, “Typical story. Divorced father gets custody of his child, hooks up with another woman. Life is great at first…Then things start to come apart.”

When a biological mother is accused of harming their own child, doubt is our first reaction (“How can that be? A mom would never do that!”). But stepparents rarely get that benefit of the doubt. Did you know that the original version of Cinderella (and other popular fairy tales) portrayed the mom as the wicked parent who abused her own daughter? Later, the Brothers Grimm changed the story to a wicked stepmother so it was more “acceptable” and, therefore, more marketable, to society. And still today, we are quick to judge.

It’s my experience that stepmothers (and stepdads) are not wicked or evil or manipulative. Except in a few highly publicized cases, they are distinctly sacrificial and deserve a pat on the back from society. We just celebrated Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Today, say thanks to someone’s stepparent.

When Stepmom Gets MAD!!!

Anger is often the product of unmet expectations. I expect X to happen, but insted Y actually happens. That is the formula for anger (or a whole host of ther negative emotions).

Stepmothers are in a life situation when expectations are not often met. Stepfamily life is complex and often times unpredicatable or even illogical. It is a context in which an expectation getting met might feel more like a game of chance than act of intention. In short, stepfamily life offers multiple opportunities for anger to emerge.

So, what do you do when you get angry?

Here are a few tips:

1. There are no bad feelings: Anger is an unpleasant feeling, but it is normal and even necesssary at times. Recognize that a negative feeling does not make you a bad person.

2. Reject the guilt: Most stepmothers choose a goal just a little higher than absolute perfection as their criteria for success. Anything less is failure - including getting angry about soemthing. You must confront your guilt head on. DO NOT punish yourself for getting angry. It only leads to more anger (or anxiety or depression).

3. Make a Decision: People get into trouble with anger not because they feel anger, but because they do anger in destructive ways. Feeling anger is merely the emotional portion of the equation and is contained within the person. Doing anger is a behavior, an interaction between the person and someone or something else. Be intentional about how you do your anger. You might even decide now, when you are not angry, a few stock options of what you can do when you are angry. The cliched thing is to count to ten. It actually works for some people. It's not the only option, though. Some people just say, "I am getting angry." It gives voice to the anger without being destructive. Other's talk it out and still others write it out. Some people let it cool off over time, but that only makes it worse for others.

Your personality wil guide your way of doing anger. But whatever the decision you make, it needs to be constructive or neutral. Never destructive.

What is a stepmother?

What is a stepmother anyway? On the one hand she is not the bio parent, by definition. She may have bioloigcal children, but they are not how she became a stepmother.

On the other hand, she is not a step. Not really sure how the word step gets in there; it is not all that descriptive.

A stepmother cannot simply act like a mother for a number of reasons. There is probably a mother already filling the position of mother - and typically there is not room for two in that position. When stepmothers try to wedge themselves into the mother position, it places the stepchildren into a loyalty dilemma - a dilemma the stepmom is going to lose no matter how good a person she is or how lousy the bio mother is.

And yet, the stepmother is there and present with the stepchildren and someone has to be responsible. So, how does she pull that one off? How can a stepmother be a responsible parental figure without violating the bio mother's position in the stepchildren's lives?

A stepmother is a woman who enters a family slowly, takes on authority slowly, and never fails to keep a healthy amount of space for the bio mom - emotionally and otherwise. She has as much authority as she has earned with the stepchildren. She is supported by her husband. She admits her mistakes to others and celebrates her victories privately. She waits. Sh resists the temptations of normalcy and accepts the messy reality. She learns to anticipate certain kinds of messes and embraces them with an ironic sense of peace.

If you are a stepmother, you are someone who creates a working path through the unknowable, adjusts the direction of the path on the way, and knows that her goodness is her gift to the world, her family and herself. She knows that she will ahve her reward at the end of the journey, not at the beginning.

Happy Mother's Day

Stepmom Superstars

Stepmom superstars are stepmoms who have endured long hours of relational investment with little or return on investment (yet).

They are stepmoms who have maintained their head when their husbands ex tried, once again, to change the visitation at 2:00 PM on Friday.

Stepmom superstars take a moment to view a good potential future even though today the family seems to be headed to Hell in a handbasket.

You are the kind of stepmom who finds time for everyone (including herself).

Few people hope more, wait more, cry more, cheer more, and try harder than a superstar stepmom.

You do not let the absence of appreciation make you quit doing that for which appreciation is due.

Stepmoms, you rock.

Dodging Tomatoes

When you take on the huge and noble task of being a stepmother, there are going to be critics. It would be nice if the critics were strangers from half a world away who you never had contact with, but truth it, sometimes they are close by. Sometimes they are the very people you are trying to love and serve and please.

A comment from the post Stepmom in the Middle, plugged scripture worth reading. Nehemiah chapter 4 in a nutshell shows the ridicule Nehemiah and the people of God went through when they are trying to rebuild the wall in Jerusalem. This mockery rests in the context of something bigger than the ridicule, the critique and the taunting. It was God's good plan moving forward. Nehemiah had to keep in mind the plan, not the critiques of the plan.

I think there is a great message for stepmoms in this passage. Go read it here.

Stepmom in the middle

It takes everything I have to keep things together. I feel like I am pulled in ten different directions. But why should that be a surprise? I am the mom.

First of all, what is fair? Before becoming a stepmom all I had to deal with was being fair with my two daughters. Now adding a stepson and stepdaughter into the mix, I have no idea what fair is. If i treat all the kids the same, my kids feel betrayed, if I favor my kids, my stepchildren feel betrayed. I tried the route of being a "family" with "children," you know, without the "step" in there, but no one really cooperated with that too often.

Second, my husband, Gary, needs lots (too much) reassurance that I love him. He'ssuch a great guy and that's why I married him. But there are times when I wish he would just grow up. I feel like his mommy sometimes and that's a real drag on me.

Then there is his ex, the wicked witch of the universe. The fact that I ever have to take her into consideration is beyond me. I know she is the mother of my stepchildren, but she's always changing the schedule, missing appointments and always asking for money - my family's money. It drive me nuts.

This juggling act sometimes brings to the brink of a nervour breakdown. And yet, there are evenings when everyone is in bed and I sipping my last cup of decaf as I browse my favorite magazine and think that I have it pretty good. If I didn't havhe so many things needing my attention, then I would be all alone.

Stepmothers usually feel like they have more than they can handle in more directions than they can move. And yet, like heroes, they press on.

Any stepmoms want to share what an "average" day is in your life?