Hope For Holiday Haters

It's Christmas and New Years and you're supposed to be happy about it. And yes, many people express their holiday joy in annual Christmas letters and make a big to do about everything holidays.

But what about holiday haters? What about the people who do much better in a routine? It's not that they are grinches because they are mean people, but rather they operate to their own (and everyone else's) benefit when they are in their daily routine.

New years day is Monday, and then the routine can begin again. No more Christmas consumerism craziness, no more obligation to have to "up" for every next party and event (most of which you don't give a rip about), no more I-don't-know-what-to-buy syndrome. All of that is goone for another year.

Hang on you holiday hater. Just a few more days. You can make it. I have faith in you. Once that routine begins again, you'll be your old self.

A New Beginning

The great thing about the new year coming is that it gives a benchmark for starting anew. I know that lots of people get all into resolutions this time of year, which is fine. However, it also means a lot of broken resolutions. Try something different this year.

Resolutions usually are impossible promises. Rather than making a promise you are not going to keep, why not commit to a theme to pursue?

Huh?

For example, patience is a theme to pursue. A resolution is that you will be patient with your spouse, stepchildren or children. When it is a theme to pursue, then everytime you are patient you get credit for it. When it is a resolution, however, everytime you don't do it, you sre penalized for it.

Pursuing a theme in many ways is opposite of making a resolution. It is more achievable and more positive. Count your successes, not your failures and you are more likely to get more of hte behavior you are looking for. Penalized the behavior you don't want and you are likely to feel bad about it.

Merry Christmas - No Stress

So this is Christmas. I sure do hope you have a good one. As a last minute refresher, please read Natalie Nichols Gillespie article on Successful Stepfamilies on holiday stress. You'll be glad you did.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas Cards and the Pursuit of Normality

Sometimes stepfamilies form when the children are already grown up. That was my case. My parents divorced when I was in college and then my mother remarried when I was about 30 years. Life became different then. Holidays became different.

One point of tension came when my mother wanted me to address my new stepfather as father in my Christmas card to him. Well, that was never going to happen for one gigantic reason. He is not my father. What didn't help the situation is that one my stepfather's adult children addressed my mother as "mom."

Now, my mother was focused on the pursuit of normality, so I understand her action. But from my perspective, I did not want to accept the reality that with remarriage, my life was once again changing against my will. I am a stubborn one, you see.

But it gave me a little hint into what younger children go through when their newly formed stepfamilies push toward normality either too fast or inappropriately. It brings conflict and tension - especially during holidays.

Adjustment in stepfamilies and the pursuit of normality happens slowly. There is also an appropriate way to go about it. It is so important to understand this.

One thing my mother was doing was relieving her anxiety by (unbeknonwst to her) placing it on me. If I would have just addressed my stepfather as dad, then she would feel better about the whole situation. Well, that anxiety is hers to carry, not mine. Oh, I have my own that I don't need to place on here, so don't get me wrong. The point is that the desire for a feeling of normality can motivate behaviors that increase the tension father then decrease it.

So, when you're all around the tree or around the table, please be sensitive about pushing too quickly toward being a "normal" family, it is might just set you back.

Stepfamilies: Bringing Sexy Back 2.0

How often do you have conversations with your spouse about sex?

I guess I need to qualify that. "Hey baby, let's jump in the sack," doesn't count. I mean a conversation about sex. Most people never talk about sex. Did you know that? They have sex at varying frequencies, but rarely discuss it in a mutual and non-demanding way.

And yet sex is one of the most important topics a couple can talk about. If the sex is not working for both of you, and the one it is not working for never says anything in conversation, I will bet you my next paycheck (which is nothing to brag about) that person is saying something about it non verbally. That person is avoiding it, being conveniently tired or busy, setting emotional booby-traps, and so on. Or, that person is so demanding that it is not really a conversation about sex and more resembles a desperate used car salesperson trying to make a quota - being shady or making ridiculous bargains.

I really want to encourage you to talk about sex. Yes, it's difficult because the topic is so charged, but that is why I recommended the book, Sheet Music, which several of you have taken me up on. It is a light-hearted, but very practical tool to assist couples in having meaningful conversations about sex. You won't regret it.

Stepfamilies: Bringing Sexy Back

Stepfamily life, especially when they initially form, can make your sex life complicated. Privacy issues, emotinoal adjustment, family integration, relational negotiations, residual emotional pain from previous relationship and on and on are not sexy. They are difficult. Without careful attention, the family dynamics can come to a screeching halt.

Don't let it happen. Sex is good. Find a way to keep your sexual relationship healthy. It is one of several ways that you remain connected as a married couple.

Yes, when people are very busy, they are also not "in the mood" too much. That is no reason to neglect this very important part of your relationship. Here are a few tips:

1. Sometimes you have got to get into sex before you got into the mood.
2. Get your house in order. A messy house is not sexy.
3. Read a sex book together. Sheet Music is good - see below.
4. Do not demand and do not withold. Pressure and frsutration are not sexy.
5. You're still sexy no matter how old you are, no matter if you drive a minivan, no matter is you've added a few pounds, no matter if you're tired.

So go on, bring sexy back.

Ain't No Way To Fight

Holiday pressures can bottle up, intensify, and explode. When marital stress accumulates, it can be tempting to take it out on each other. Dont do it.

Conflict resolution skills are not just a nice thing learned at seminars and specialized classes at church, they are to be utilized when things heat up.

In all likelihood, you already know everything you need to do to reduce and resovle conflict. So, put it into play if the marital stress mounts.

By way of reminder, listen first. Your spouse's gripe likely has merit - at least to him or her. No matter what he or she says, you have something to learn from that conversation.

Make your case calmly without blame. Now, don't wimp out by giving in for the sake of peace. Without blame means do not accuse, do not use an accusing tone of voice, do not blame with your nonverbals. There are tons of ways to communicate blame. Get rid of all of them.

If you can't find resolve in one sitting, then revisit the conflict at an agreed upon time.

Peace and Quiet

One thing the holidays typically do not afford families is a chunk of time for peace and quiet. With time off of work and opportunity to cram in as much family time as possible, alone time often takes a back seat or is thrown out altogether.

This is not good. Time spent alone, away from the hustle and bustle and chatter of the holidays, can be some of the best spent time. Sipping coffe while gazing out at the snow (if there is snow), or stealing away to a local coffee shop, or even snuggling up fo a mid afternoon nap can all be very healthy as you navigate the holidays.

Most importantly is reflection time. Certainly the only moment we have to live in is the moment we are in, but reflecting on the past and dreaming of the future deserve attention as well. Certainly reflecting on the past should be on the positive past for encouragement adn th negative past only for education (not for self-condemnation). Likewaise, dreaming of the future should be spent on the poosibilities of the future, not a gloom and dooom forecast.

Happy holidays! May you find a moment to be whisped away by wonder.

Case Law Development: Missouri Court Addresses Child's Preferences in Custody Modification Litigation

Click here to learn about a court case involving children's preferences in child custody.

Money, Children & Child Support

This is just a simple reminder. Money, as it relates to child support or alimony, is completely restricted for children.

There is no good end to involving your children in conversation that are related to child support. Here are my reasons:

1. The child, no matter what they say, will assign a value to himself or herself based on the number of dollars transferred in support.

2. It's none of their business. They did not cause their family structure and therefore have no place in the financial arrangements that the structure requires.

3. If the kids are involved in child support conversations, then they will no doubt utilize this opportunity as leveage against one, but probably both, parents. You do not want this to happen.

4. And finally, if the kids are involved in conversations about child support with you, then you are probably avoiding a conflict you need to have with your former spouse.

Nope, it's not easy to keep the kids out of this kind of conversation, but the truth is that you must. It is a toxic topic for children and teens.

God bless.

If Santa Never Showed Up

By Ron L. Deal
President, Successful Stepfamilies

Imagine the disappointment of your child if Santa never showed up at his or her house. I mean, if Santa didn't bring them—or anyone else in your home—anything for Christmas how would your child feel? Left out? Dismissed? Insignificant? Unimportant?

Now imagine a stepparent that intentionally withdrawals from a child over an extended period of time. Day after day the stepparent’s rejection is perceived as a running commentary on the child: insignificant, unimportant, and dismissed.

There is a renewed effort by many Christians throughout the world to encourage couples to adopt a child. Recently a Focus on the Family radio broadcast featuring Stephen Curtis Chapman highlighted the efforts of his organization Shaohannah’s Hope to partner with groups like Focus on the Family and FamilyLife to encourage Christian adoption both within the US and abroad. Our own Natalie Nichols Gillespie (managing editor of my monthly E-Newsletter) has herself adopted a child and has just completed a new book on the subject entitled Successful Adoption: A Guide for Christian Families. The point I’m trying to make is this: all over the world people are encouraging others to adopt children. How ironic that many stepparents have an incredible opportunity to influence the life of a child—to “emotionally adopt” them, if you will—but choose not to.

No, I’m not suggesting that all stepparents should formally adopt their stepchildren. I’m only suggesting that they intentionally utilize the opportunities God has given them to influence their stepchildren. For years most of the feedback I got from frustrated biological parents was that their spouses were too rough on their kids. They came in like a bull in a china closet and caused a lot of conflict in the home. Now, I’m getting more and more feedback from biological parents who wish their spouse (the stepparent) would emotionally engage their children instead of choosing a “complete hands-off” approach. What a waste.

This Christmas season, can you imagine Joseph taking a “he’s your kid, not mine” approach with Mary? Instead of becoming a loving influence to Jesus, can you envision Joseph going fishing or spending all his time with his other biological children (who, of course, came later)? No, I believe that God chose Mary not only because of her character, but Joseph’s as well. The Holy Spirit knew that he would be a vital contributor to Jesus’ childhood and even though we have no account of it, I’m confident he was. Mary’s gift to the world was giving birth to the Savior; Joseph’s gift was loving him as his own.

Please don’t be confused, this is not to call into question what I teach about stepparents being the “baby-sitter” initially with their stepchildren. The purpose of that “hands-off” approach to authority and affection is to give stepparents time to do just what I’m suggesting here: become a loving, trustworthy, influential role model in the lives of their stepchildren.

Don’t miss out on your God-given calling—and if you already have, repent and get in the game! There’s so much you can do to bless a child.

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For further reading, check out this online article, also by Ron L. Deal.

All Aboard For Christmas

You made it through Thanksgiving. I hope that there was much thanks given in your celebration.

And now, Christimas is on the way.

When family gets together for the holidays, there is usually some unstructured time that evolves into playing games, taking naps, and talking. Sometimes, however, when (step)family time is uncomfortable, people find ways to avoid contact and connection. The problem is when you have the ,"How fast can I get out of here?" attitude going, then you are missing out on something.

Truth is, everyone has something interesting about them that you don't know. Little known facts often emerge in conversations, if you take the time to conversate.

That's part of being "All Aboard" for Christmas. These kinds of conversations can be part of the "flavors" of each other's lives "blending." When these kind of conversations are avoided, then it just prolongs the unblending that so often happens in stepfamilies.

The discipline of Thanksgiving

Many families will get together this week and celebrate a great American holiday - Thanksgiving. Some will have a fine spread like the one pictured here. Turkey, pie, pumkiny things, and so forth. Thanksgiving is meant to be a time to appreciate God's generous blessings in our lives.

For some people, however, Thanksgiving is a tolerated interruption that requires acting nice, being polite, and being proper in front of people they don't like. For others it means either splitting time or swapping holidays - one with mom and ther other with dad. For some kids it can be so stressful that they can't wait to get back to school.

I encourage you to be thinking now, before the actual day of Thanksgiving, to list that for which you are thankful. Think people and possessions. Think freedom and opportunity. You have much to be thankful for no matter how you feel.

Which leads me to my next point. Some people don't feel any sense of gratitude because the stress of life has weighed on them, they have had some bad experiences, or they believe the bad has outweighed the good. Gratitude is not a feeling, it is a discipline. Giving thanks is not some little extra thing people can do if they feel like it. It is something that should be practiced, like drawing, bowling, or dance. It is something that you need to get good at. Few have a natural gift for being good at gratitude.

The practice of thanksgiving is what will make for a good Thanksgiving. Go ahead, give it a try and see if you are good at it. If you are, don't withhold your ability from people. And if you are lousy at it, then try to develop that skill of Thanksgiving.

Myth: The Evil Stepmother

"There are over 900 stories written about evil or wicked stepmothers. They are particularly common in fairy tales, which suggest that stepmothers are comparable to wild animals and supernatural beings that treat children wickedly. In the past, the stepmother's role was to replace the child's biological mother who had died. Many of these bad examples are seen in such stories as "Cinderella" and "Snow White" where children are portrayed as victims who hate their stepmothers."

Click here for more myths.

Stepfamily Myths Debunked

If you want to check out some more stepfamily myths, go here.

Myth: Stepfamilies are broken homes

"Stepfamilies are broken homes." I am sure that you have heard this one on more than one occasion, or at least felt it from people around you. Well, I hope you have a problem with this kind of language. I know that I do.

Let's see, where do I begin?

First, the word "broken" is terribly flawed. It gives the sense of a permanent condition. Once broken always broken. This kind of language is almost elevated to the level of genetic determinsim. Not only is the family broken now, they will forever be broken. That notion is actually the opposite of what stepfamilies really are.

Second, stepfamilies are often mending families, not broken families. Yes, something happened that made a stepfamiliy as stepfamily. Death, divorce, child born out of wedlock, or whatever. And yes, there is almost always loss preceding stepfamily life, but that is a far cry from being permanently broken. Stepfamilies are often the place where healing happens, where people seek to reconcile their past mistakes, seek find a healthy love, and a whole host of other good things. The trajectory of a stepfamily is good, not bad.

Third, this "broken family" myth sets up stepfamilies for discriminination and demeaning pity. Stepfamilies, when viewed as broken, are expected to be be less than adequate, more troubled, and in some cases theologically flawed.

This myth has got to go. Stepfamilies are families - period. They should have all the rights that any other family has and should not be pitied. They should be understood for their unique realities and met where they are at. They should not be expected to act like nuclear families, but should be respected for the unique structure they bring to the table.

There is no need to be ashamed of being a stepfamily. You are not broken. And, if you want to get technical about it, I know of many "normal" families that are a lot more "broken" than many stepfamilies, but don't get me started.

Myth: Divorce ends marriage

OK, maybe divorce does end marriage, but it does not end the relationship. If you think for one minute that the legal divorce ends the emotional, financial, and co-parenting relationships, you've got another thing coming.

Let's focus on the emotional divorce. An emotional divorce is NOT achieving hate for the ex-spouse nor is it achieving indifference. Rather, it is getting to a point in which the former spouse is just that, a former spouse and not the evil "ex."

An emotional divorce requires forgiving that former spouse for their wrongs (I know they don't deserve it), not requiring them to meet your needs, and finding a way to decenter that person from your life.

Decentering is probably the most challenging thing to do. The former spouse might be centered positive (maybe things could still work out), or the former spouse might be centered negative (that lousy $#%&*@ is the cause of all of my problems). Either way, having your former spouse centered in your life means that the emotional divorce has not been accomplished.

Sometimes decentering your former spouse requires a centering something else. It is tempting to make it another person, but what might be better is centering on healing, faith, and coping. Accomplishing decentering is a major part to the divorce process.

Anyone want to share their successful decentering?

...like a red-headed stepchild

It is one of the worst cliches ever. I mean really, what if you happened to a stepchild and you actually have red hair? Stepchildren don't choose to be stepchildren and people do not choose red hair - OK, some people choose red hair, but there is nothing wrong with that.

According to the Urban Dictionary, the term has at least four meanings.

1. A person or group treated without the favor of birthright.

2. A child who is obviously not your own, a child who is treated worse than other children in the family

3. One who is beaten often.

4. According to popular belief red headed stepchildren are prone to severe discipline problems, rebelliousness and promiscuity.

Well, aren't these lovely definitions? But, aren't these just good fun? I mean really, does any one really attribute negative stereotypes to stepchildren?

The answer is that they do. Jokes about stepchildren aren't funny and do not serve to promote healthy family life. As if life were not complicated enough for stepshildren, then add social stigma, mockery, and taunting. Furthermore, when adults use the phrase with children, it is even worse. Then there is the generational power play going on. Not a good idea.

My advice, stick to jokes that are funny and not offensive, demeaning, or crude. Making negative attributions to people becuase of family structuture or genetics is cruel.

Stepfamilies - Theories and church practice

There are tons of theories out there about how families are supposed to be. Some theories focus on how a family is suppoed to develop over time while others try to make clear cut gender role distinctions. Still other theories are on the other end of the spectrum such that any collection of people near each other might be considered a family if it so chooses.

What many of these theories try to do is explain how things are or how they should be. But, what many of these theories actually do is tell a story about the person creating the theory and the time period in which that person lived. For example, 50 years ago, there were far fewer stepfamilies and most of these stepfamilies are the result of the death of a spouse. Most families back then (in America anyway) were nuclear families. The nuclear family was the standard to strive for and the measure normalcy.

Now there are many more stepfamilies and these stepfamilies are mostly formed post-divorce. The nuclear family remains an important and significant chunk of our society, but nearly half of all people do no have the luxury of striving for it. So, what needs to happen is for new theories to develop that take into consideration new family forms and structures. When good theories about how stepfamilies operate are developed, then perhaps better support systems, wider acceptance, and better trajectories can develop.

The place this knind of new theorizing needs to happen is not so much in universities where many theories develop (although it needs to happen there), but more so in the churches and denominations. Most churches do a poor job with stepfamilies. They are either judged as failed, broken, or incompetent or they are ignored altogether. Many people in stepfamilies are previously divroced, which in many churches means that they are penalized in one way or another. No leadership roles, no public roles, fewer service opportunities. Second class status is often the resulting trajectory for divorced people, which means if they are in a stepfamily, the whole family gets penalized.

OK, so I've been a bit down on churches as their underdeveloped theories on stepfamilies causes poor treatment of stepfamilies. However, I know that there are churches who do it well and do it right. There are churches who make room for stepfamilies, offer useful ministries to stepfamilies and by stepfamilies, who do not penalize people for their divorce and so forth.

I'd like to know what churches out there are doing a great job with stepfamilies. What's your experience with a good church?

I would also like to hear negative experiences, but please don't mention the church by name if you share one of those horror stories. Maybe frame it like this: "I attended a church in the Midwest..."

Stepfathers and stepchildren 2

When a man marries a woman with a child(ren) from a previous marriage or relationship, the man becomes a stepfather. He also enters into a potentially complex set of relationships. In fact, every relationship he has in this stepfamily is going to complex.

With his new wife, it will be complex becuase he does not have equal parental standing with the children. In her life, they pre-existed him, thus giving him an historical disadvantage - they have more history with the mom than he does. She still needs to be the one in charge of the kids, which may feel all wrong and conflict with what many people call being the "man of the house." As a marital partner, he is an equal, but as a parenting partner he is not.

His relationship wth the stepchildren is complex because he a new man in the family. Furthermore, his love and affection and strength of commitment wit the children's mother earn him little or no credit as an authority in the realm of parenting. However, if he treated his new wife (the kid's mother) poorly, it would most certainly count against him so far as the kids are concerned and would probably be his ow undoing.

His authority as a parent is complex because he has little or no history with teh children, the children have a biological father (unless he is deceased) who fills an authority role (either real or imagined ) with the children. In fact, even if the bio father is deceased, in the kid's minds, he may still be the authority.

A stepfather's authority comes in two ways over a long period.

1. Earned. When a stepfather shows himself patient, reliable, good, and willing to develop a relationshp with the stepchildren, these children may grant him some authority in their lives. This may seem all backwards, an adult working to gain authority from the kids. It may feel like the tail is wagging the dog. But if you think about it, it makes good common sense.

If you think about entering stepfathering not as a father figure, but rahter as a new man who is entering ther children's life, getting to know them, learning about them, like a new babysitter or baseball coach, then it makes a little more sense. A trust has to be built and a pattern of relating has to develop. The powerful and sensitive flow of wills must merge. that kind of thing seldom happens quickly.

2. Bestowed. The mother must give authority to the stepfather. Although the temptation here is to do this all at once, it only works if it is done gradually. This does not happen in one sit down conversation with teh kids.

"Kids, darryl is your new stepfather and i give him all parental authority in the house. What he says goes."

You can say these words, but it won't do any good.

This kind of authority comes in little chunks and pieces, here and there. Bestowing authority upon the stepfather from the stepmother takes a very aware and alert set of parents. She really has to know her children's tolerance for the stepfather's inluence and he needs to be aware of the signs the kids give whe they are accepting or rejecting his authority and furthermore, have the courage to back off when he has violated that tolerance. Mom needs to be ready at anytime to bring her authority back into the picture if things are falling apart between stepfather and stepchildren. She cannot abdicate her authority - ever.

Again, this is very challenging to the sense of being "man of the house." It feels like everyone in the house has power to make things happen except the stepfather. "What am I, chopped liver?" might be the feeling of the stepfather when he has to earn authority with children and wait for it to be bestowed upon him from their mother. "Don't I have any authority just for being there?" "Hey, I bailed your mother out of a real financial bind, and this is the thanks I get?" Again, he earns no authority points by being a good husband.

Think big picture and think slow cooking here. Stepfathers can have a good relationship with their stepchildren, but it develops slowly and is always a work in progress. it is like an invesment into a 401(k), put a lot in with nothing to show for it, that is until it is time to cash in - and that time is not right now. It's worth it even if it is doing me no real good today. It's worth it for it's future value.